Song in My Mind ~ Mumford & Sons - Awake My Soul

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show

Well I'm not exactly sure why I'm updating...  but here it goes.

I didn't get my Balladeer role in Assassins.. Not to surprised there...  oh well..  I still think I have enough talent that it would have been good.  The person that got it... not ready to throw him under the bus yet...  But.. I will be a critical judge... However paying off some of the toys this summer.. not to mention the $960 I still owe for a damn stress test, that a week later I put myself through a more through one, shoveling 2+ ton of stone in less a hour and half, at a discounted price of $36 dollars.... and I got to keep the stone.

I visited father once again, just wanted a weekend to relax...  well it turned into a day and a half, stayed in the marina, got to bring my karaoke equip for a not so hopping party... however father did invest in a easy up 13x13 popup that I been wanting for a while just for such times they never want to have me under cover....   So overall not a bad weekend...  However, his ex wife didn't want me to come up on Friday (which I already knew) ((and when they actually moved the boat to a more enjoyable area to night camp...))  because she wanted to relax...  Gave me the excuse to get out of the invitation of either Thanksgiving or Christmas......  After mom moves to Florida... I'm just going to become a hermit... anyways...

From stalking on Facebook.... (not good I know)  Shawn is now located in Florida...  God I hate Florida...  actually not far from where Mom and the Step dad bought the house and where I was dragged to for Christmas in 2011.... Not that it was bad...  and swimming in 80 degree weather on Dec 25 is different...  but oh well...  But I guess he is gone for good from me...  I still hate his bigoted family for not allowing him to be the good person I thought he was...  or was he?

I've been praying for death more then normal this weekend..  overall the weekend oncall hasn't been too bad.  Just two "could be" really bad things...  but overall I handled what I needed pretty ok...  Still...  and I'm pretty sure I never mentioned this on here, because of its nature...  But a STUPID, UNFOUNDED, BASICALLY GET A F***ING LIFE ARSEHOLE, AND DON'T INSULT ME...  AND PLEASE DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF.... pseudo lawsuit that named me as the bad guy has been dismissed.  all I'm saying on that matter.  But getting back to praying for death... my body has found another way to shove in my face that I'm getting old.  I have this muscle pain that felt for two days that I slept on it wrong...  No biggy, been there done that... but new twist is not I have this MAJOR SHOOTING pain... that makes me yell out...  and seriously I'm not being dramatic.  The tella nurse wanted me to go the ER... but I'm not giving anymore money to damn hospitals this year.  I know they will just tell me to take over the counter pain killers and rest....  I'm flipping old... my body is going to hurt.  I know of a fact that I didn't get lucky, and its not a blood clot in my lung moving to my heart to kill me.  I know its not contractions to loose this freaking 13 month old infant that I don't believe is my fat gut (or ass)..  Or even anything as even more painful then a kidney stone...  that I should have had three by now do to my horrible eating habbits.

The depression is in fact getting worse.  I know more now then I did ten years ago that the type of guys that I want to become involve with, will never find me attractive.  I had a better chance, when I thought I didn't have a chance 10 years ago after hitting 30... I wonder what happened to the attitude last year that I had that didn't have this much impact on that fact... however I do remember the Logan thing....  which was marked for a strange year anyways... but him and Shawn made me want more.  And guess what... I know for 99.9% that it WON'T HAPPEN.  That's why I feel like a heal that only one month ago I told a co-worker I wouldn't fight cancer if I got it, because I don't care if I actually lived.  I don't.  Then a week later SHE gets diagnosed with stage 4 in op....  grrrr Yeah I know I have a lot of friends... and I saw this in person this weekend... one of my really special friends had a friend kill himself... and that friend was pissed.  His exact words is, that person didn't know people really loved him....  and I fully understand that...  I have pleaded with people not to do it.  But why can't I see it in my life.  Do I know people like/love me.  Yeah...  but does that love overrule, that I feel I will never find a "lover" to take care of THAT need?  And when I feel those longings...  It just gets overwhelming... because then I look at things, that are even more farfetched with more longing...  Even just kinda recently having sex with a legal but barely cute guy... however he telling me that he enjoys sex...  just reserves relationships and kissing for guys he has a thing for... Which he didn't for me...    but its ok...  we weren't that compatible...  I wish I would have been strong and said no... but oh well...  If I thought Shawn would be a possibility anymore I might have said no...  But I didn't.

But in 2016 marks 20 years after a major change in my life happened.  Someone that I found out I loved more then life, got ripped out my life forever.  I just don't see it hitting 30 years unless I found someone that I really really can understand and love...  I even been thinking on giving the psychotropic attempt to fix my depression one more chance before I did anything...  but as long as things don't get worse....  I have a idea on another thing to help lower the weight that could help finding someone.  But yeah.. I don't see a point unless things get better.

I know lots of rambling thoughts.. that probably don't make sense...  and a downer at the end.

I'm sorry,
J