Song In My Mind ~ Dawes - If I Wanted Someone

  
I want someone to make the days move easy....

Not sure what this is exactly... but I'm pretty sure...  its not ever gonna happen..

Where to start...  actually its so stupid  I don't even want to start....

Yep no one is surprised...  suppose not even me...  Shawn is not the one I thought he was or was going to be.  And yeah I know he used to read this... but I'm pretty sure he doesn't anymore...  Fuck he can't even pick up the phone and call.

Without all the details, things were going pretty good up until Jan 1st.  After the new year, he started seasawing back and forth from calling me hun to I think I'm straight.  Which made me think he just found someone closer...  That story has def happened to me before in this blog.  Well right when I thought he was going to end it... it actually came about (which I'm not going to express all the details..  cause there is a small chance he is being truthful, and well all the stuff relevant and personal to him, I don't have the right to disclose) that he was about 24 hours to moving up here with me, to him ending it with me. all in about 3 days.  Long and short of it, he's not ready for a serious relationship.  He told me this, it took two days for me to think about it, and not believe any of the story.  After two days he actually contacted me to ask me how I was doing, and I told him how I didn't believe any of it, he then went the extra mile to try to convince me that it was all true... which lasted almost a week, till I constantly see him on a hook up site, which then I went to OLD JASON, and created a fake profile, and he took the bait hook line and sinker...  To which then I got really ugly, and once again, he expended lots of energy to try to convince me I wasn't correct, and that he only talks a big game, (and shows way too much) to these strangers...  He convinced me once again...  changed this profile to not be so I need a manish....  which then he was very much again chatting and even calling...  Well that lasted till last Monday when I about near killed myself (mainly for me... but some for him.) to see Bare the Musical in NYC before it closed...  Now it back to he is constantly on this hookup site, which he says its only for this one young friend he has, which he really isn't attracted to the youngins... which I would love to believe but the real only texts I got since the show, seemed he texted the wrong person, because I asked him where he gets the train, and the response was it was worth it to see you....  (I didn't see him that day)...  Now of course I could be way off base and seeing more into stuff that doesn't matter... and well like I said the Old hurt Jason is back around.. and I'm just looking for ways to see where he purposely lied and well just was set out to hurt me from the start.  And well if you look at all the evidence.. one could find me guilty of even thinking a 20 could date a 40 in a normal relationship.  Yep..  the new Jason that was going to be so logical, to the point I was to run away if someone like Shawn even expressed an interest in me...  I don't know..  I guess I would have been over it by now if the love making however only once, wasn't so darn good, and well the way he gives a professional type massage...  I don't think there are too many out there that couldn't "get stupid" like I did.

Do I think he is a horrible person.. no.. not at all.  Very confused, and well...  if I looked like him and could get all the attention I wanted...  coming from his background...  I'd probably do what I think he is doing.  Mind you I have been completely wrong before...  and well completely correct too...  So I don't know what to do.  But I am done trying to win/fight for him..  There was some talk he was going to risk another trip up here around Valentine's day...  I already figured how thats going to work out...  So no big deal.

Throughout all this mess...  I actually had to guys want to hook up with me... which normally I would have said sure what the hell.  Well the quick one to bitch about...  about a year ago he was dating someone I know, cheated and well the profiles this person created would def rule me out on being way to old, and way to fat...  so it seems things have changed for this person.  Now he's my type by age and size.. but something about his face...  no sparks..  maybe its just because I know he cheated on my friend...  I almost took the offer... but didn't.

The other one...  I'm surprised I didn't.  He is very cute... 18...  (still in high school).... thats the biggy I didn't want to cross... I have no desire to mess with someone that still riding a school bus...  haha...  Into theatre, which to date in shows I've seen him liked one, not so hot on the other... but then again, that director just casted a show that well...  I wasn't very impressed in the casting...  so he was mis-casted.. no totally his fault.  Well because of being friends with alot of the other theatre kids in town.. one esp I just wanted to be friends.. and he took it the wrong way, I did not want to give any credit to that they were correct.  I'm not a dirty old man.. and well I don't want to be...  So I'll take that as a win.  I did stupider shit when I broke up with TJ.. so at least I have that.

Currently I efin hate work.  I'm tired, and stressed, and people that I thought I knew and trusted are surprising me in not in a good way...  they think they are totally right and justified... and well of course I think I am. 

Really not liking this 2013 at all...  Ten years ago, I didn't think I live to see 30...  and well..  even though I don't seem to have a hang up on the 40...  in some ways I'm closer to not seeing 40 then I ever was with the 30 thing.  not a good thing to say...  but this so called life is getting rather... old....

Later,
J