Song in my mind ~ Barenaked Ladies - Lovers in a Dangerous Time

Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight....
Sometimes you have to kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight!

Wow... alot of crazy stuff to report...

Well I know a month or almost two I didn't want to even update this...  for the fact well nothing much was going on.

Well lets start.  I ended up getting Herbie in Gypsy, without auditioning...  at a place I would have not auditioned ever again due to the fact I felt the playing field wasn't level...  Thats been fun overall.  I kinda feel like a outsider there, but its been fun, and we shall see if anything more comes out of it.  As for DuBois theatre, I auditioned for a Little Night Music, which I will admit is a very different show from my usual tastes, however I wasn't too surprised not to see my name on the list...  However what didn't make me happy was who got the role I would have wanted.  Great guy, super nice, but I can't see why I'm always losing to him.  Other then the fact I think overall he is easier to work with... haha there I said it!  haha...

Work has been crazy, and well for years to come we will remember Hurricane Sandy.  I was in New York right after, and it was a trip that I should have had a hotel room...  I needed sleep and well there were no hotel rooms available.  So I took to Grindr... not proud of it.  Well I met Andrew, and well... he was very handsome, but all I will say, it def had "only a hookup" flavor... but it was a def boost to my ego, and 46th and tenth will have a added special meaning for a time... haha...

At this time I was talking to a twink in DuBois who also is the ideal looking gay twink.  Only 18 and very sweet...  He already has the perfect boyfriend, and told me up front that his top age would only be 30... which was fair enough...  How we finally friended is that one of his ex's which could be criminally cited for dating him, posted a horrible grindr profile, stating work location, cell number, requesting bareback and drug play.  We have a close mutual friend, and I told her I was concerned for this twink.  She explained what happened and I did everything just short of begging Derek and Romaine of Sirius to get me the contact to the CEO of that site to have this profile blocked and what not.  Well either through my work or the ex finally wised up, the profile went away, and we starting being friends.  I even offered the Bare the Musical trip to him that I was hoping would be a bigger "DuBois Theatre" group thing...  however... with me just being me, he got weirded out..  Which I don't think is completely fair.  I never hit on him, and I promoted the other relationship...  and yeah.. that does sound familiar to the other non-whatever it was-relationship of earlier this year.  So I completely backed away.  This is up to election night...  Which was a time I finally felt like I might get my rights I so wanted....

Enter, Shawn...  While I was back down to NYC helping out FEMA (which means I sat in a parking lot for three days, however had a great downtown Manhattan hotel...)  While sitting in this hotel I was getting ignored by Andrew, which didn't surprise me, but on Adam for Adam I got two active chatters, one was a Hispanic fairly cute, and the other was Shawn, a then 21 year old.  While after I left Jersey Shawn and I started to talk alot.  He has been very open, and well for some reasons his aged switched to 19..  I'm ok with either...  Granted 21 seems more older then 19, but he had a good reason for not being totally honest, he didn't want to get rejected...  pause this story

Hold on to your hats.  It was something I was worried about doing... But in a way I'm glad I did it.  But TJ (yep the Black Hole and all the other various names) started txting back and forth that lead to lets have lunch.)  He's back with the person he left Byron for..  I don't understand the attraction, but its not for me to.  But in a way its like there is closure after 8 years.  I don't hate hate hate him...  and I know I would never date him again.  But we are both not innocent in that relationship... and well... we were able to sit and just talk.  Not necessarily about the past, or the future.. just talked.  One highlight after some the things he said about the guy he is seeing, I asked him if he wanted my opinion, he said no, and we left it at that. 

I told TJ about Shawn, and that was almost two weeks ago.  And Shawn and I are just still getting to know each other.. and well its been fun.  There is no real good reason why someone half my age would see me as he does.  But I'm very glad he does...  I have questioned it, but its not my place to.  Everyone says there is someone for everyone...  And things I hate about my physical self is the things he likes...  Go figure.  Last night he broke my Skype cherry last night, and all he did was look at me and smile.  I wanted to cry... hehe..  but so far he is like the closest thing to a normal BF that I think is totally hot.  I hope that making peace with TJ and all the other lessons I learned, help me to be the partner he wants.

But the game plan is he will come up to see the show on Dec 7th, and we will make a day of December 29 and see Bare and spend the night together...  Early Christmas gift...  I'm very happy!

Which is why I picked the song... I might have first heard that time TJ and I went to Canada, but I learned what Bruce Cockburn orginally wrote it for, and well...  I've been fighting for a partner like Shawn for 13 years..  And I def relate to kicking at the darkness...  finally I might have found my daylight!!!

I hope it lasts for a while this time!

Best
J!