Song in my mind ~ 50 Ways to Say Goodbye - Train
Hello all.... Well I'm no longer a 30 something.... I guess I'm 40 something now...
And has anything changed?
Well... I'm sorry I didn't post anything in March... at that point I was totally enraged with Shawn, because depending on which way I think, I'm not sure to believe him... and if he only hurt me to hurt me... I was very tempted to do the ultimate thing to hurt him back... so I didn't blog about it. Well he did Facebook me around a certain day that I thought he would have made better him forgetting or just ignoring me on Vday... which is when he told me we were completely through... which like I said I was tempted to just to hurt someone just as bad as they hurt me for once...
Well I'm glad I didn't. Even if he is out being a whore... which I really can't get over that he is not... but oh well.. I didn't. He even said thank you for saying nice things about him in this blog... Yeah I had to re-read it too.. I am now wondering if it was sarcastic... but he was nice for a day or two... then nothing again. He must to met someone else on A4A.
Oh well... I'm proud of myself. I deleted the link where I see where he is on that hookup site... which just pissed me off.... so I can be smart.
Can be. Also the cute 18 yo in town that I think just wondered if he could hook up, stopped talking after I told him I couldn't/wouldn't.... so that was good and smart on my part.
Even with my hate and anger towards Shawn disappearing... cause hell I really only have myself to blame thinking a 20 could be a good choice to date... however different they are.... they aren't... so why hold on to that.
Esp with the other two that I should still be holding on this hate.... I don't and I was even stupid and helped them in a major way... that I should not. You know two years ago if I saw/knew what these two people crashing and burning as they are... I would have done the dance of joy. yep I'm talking about The BHOH and the little bastard.
Well lets start with the LB... again, I started talking to him cause I thought he just got used and abused from this kid he was dating... and well then attempted suicide. Well I felt bad because I thought like the same as with Shawn the family is keeping us/them apart... Well no.. the LB was assaulted a few times by this ass... and still freaking professes love for this ass... Strike one... then right around my damn Bday... (you will see a lot happened around there.. hence me hating it... he told me he was going to jail. Here I thought it was because he didn't pay his fine from 2007, well.. no... this was for new... Felony charges..... didn't know that when I offered to help.... but after that I felt like a ass to offer and say no. Yeah I know a smart person would be a ass and say no... but I had $500 extra because my absent father finally remembered a "day" for once.. oh well... I helped and I know I'll never see it back... even after he said... when I get time I need to talk to you to arranged payments... I'll believe if I see it...
Now BHOH... even though I knew this was going to happened when we had lunch a few months back... His whatever beat the shit... and according to the whatever booze was involved... so its hard to place total blame.... But it fell to me, and the whatever he left me for... to pitch in to get him home. Now with him... I can guilt myself in to thinking it would be good karma to help. After all I did put a hole in the floor of this one place he lived... and I did get him fired a few times... So that cost me $200 dollars that I was going to update my light show for the side biz... so... that's on hold... however.. I have a ton of hours coming the next pay... and well.. maybe I want these two asses to know you choose the wrong person. I'm the one that always can be there for people, even after getting used and abused many times over. I'm the good person that always helps. Even though I know I should be smart and I should have just used that money to pay off the new computer. He at least said thank you... and stated let me know if there is anything I can help you with... other then sex.... THAT PISSED ME OFF.... He is so lucky I just didn't say fuck you.. Not that I want sex... not from him. He isn't even remotely attractive to me anymore.. and if I have to pay a non-attractive person to have sex with me.. I rather blow my head off... So no.. TJ.. I don't want to have sex with you.
Never said I was smart.
Rest of the bday sucked to... mostly because of work. We are too busy and I'm just feeling I'm being pulled apart. Mom wasn't feeling too hot around then too... which... caused some other issues... but I'm trying to over look those.. Mom is the important thing. Father writing to me saying he wished we were closer.. but then I make a step... and then the two conversations I had since then I just said why do I even try. Yeah the $500 bucks was nice.. However you saw what I did with it... so money isn't my big deal.
Also I had conversations with the old boss.. from the concrete days... so it was a big "this is your life" all around my birthday... including a trip to Vermont, which I choose not to ski, because with the boots not fitting well.... and my knees, I was for the first time afraid that I could hurt myself skiing.. (I need to lose 50 pounds at least).... So yeah... fuck turning forty.
There is one person... same age as Shawn... from Jersey I'm talking to... he seems nice... and his family already doesn't talk to him... so who knows... So yeah Shawn... I'm over you. Have a nice life, I don't hate you, but I really don't think there is a way to fix all that happened... the trust is gone. Not all your fault... I just wonder when I'm just going to start to be smart... But I guess I'm going to just have to settle to hope I'm still just a "good" person. Weird.. for the last 8 years I loved hating TJ and Jason... and Isaiah.. and all the other asses I had the misfortune to trust... But I'm over that... Maybe 40 might just be different...
posted by Jzero @ 8:19 PM
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