Music in my mind ~ not important

Wow.... I talked to my lesbians from Mississippi on Sunday. They fled to Atlanta. They were sure on Sunday they would loose everything. Katrina basically struck land within 10 miles of there home that they just moved to which is closer to the coast. I'm just sick seeing pictures of I-10 (parts that I drove on just this Feb) gone. New Orleans... One of the first places that were shown on TV being looted on Canal street was the Walgreens that I bought some stuff at. I just makes me feel powerless. I was just there... Slidell, and all that... Forever changed, almost gone. The part of the Gulf that I stood in in the beginning of Feb. Gone. My prayers to all those people, the the ones that I met this last feb.

The Troll has found myspace. (the same blog site as the LB's) He admits to buying the LB beer, and they slept in the troll's BF's car the saturday of the Itln Fest. Guess I was right choose to say "see ya bye". Althought, I think overall the LB is just using the troll. And so revenge is at hand.. The Troll still says he is a KJ DJ.. and he hasn't done that sinced he F***ed me over. Lists Amazed as a song.... which was our song. Almost made me call him... He says he should be dead, and loves the LB and that he's changed... He thinks its for the better.. ya right. You just had sex with another minor in May asswipe. The BF of the one you say you love. My God... get a clue. Learn how to spell. Hell you can't even spell your OWN Grandmothers name. There is a link to it. Its a must read. Notice his sucide date prediction... We could only hope TJ.

Sorry had to note it. www.myspace.com/tj______

Sorry to post a troll lb part to the somber post about a city that I kinda took heart of. But I need to log every of my feelings.

Went to Erie last night to visit my cousin Abbey and a "boy".... the boy I doubt is a very good LTR canadate. But oh well.. it was a nice escape.

Best,
J

Song in my mind ~ F*** You-Eamon

Yep... got used rather well. The Lying Bastard (LB) has been with the troll. Read the previous posts. Well... Like I said. If me and him would have gotton together... it would have been great revenge against the troll. But with the LB choosing the troll... Its good revenge on both of them. Read the previous posts. The troll will only cause "trash". They desevre each other.

Found out my one other friend... was injured in a bad fall. It sounded like he wasn't going to make it. But it seems he'll pull threw. He's cute.. and special in a way. I was freaking thinking he might not make it.

Oh well.... Spent a great night with my favorite boy.... Jacob. He behaved himself rather well.... funny. After he got back to the pasture, he walked really slow back to the group. First long ride we got to do this year... and I think he thinks I need a diet. hehe. The "tank" was going slow.. it was funny. But he was good tonight. It was a beautiful night.

Got the lawyer completely paid. That will open so many possibilities.

Best,
j

Song in my mind ~ You won't be mine - Matchbox 20

I really was hopefully again... that I would like a week.... grrr....

Well... Wednesday I got my annual test... that doctors appt I mentioned before that I wasn't looking forward to. Well.. it was better... haven't gotten the final results... but they are now telling me the gift that I thought the troll gave me. I don't have. So... its helping the homicidal tendencies I had towards him subside a little... but...

So I yahoo mess the LB/sunshine to get ahold of me asap. Since his ex has full blown sex with the troll when he cheated on LB/sunshine there was some concern cause LB/sunshine was stupid for taken the cheater back. Now that there might be some truth that the troll doesn't have the gift either its a small ray of hope. But then again how many other cheats and scumbags has the troll had in the last year.

Wed Karaoke was good... and Thursdays was great, all from not having any bookings there in sept to now threw the end of sept.

Well then LB/sunshine called on friday. (ok a week late) but he did call. We talked for 50 mins.. and it was more then just what the troll did or done.. Why does my heart and soul betray me? I really thought that he was being genuine again. So he was suppose to call me at 4-4:30 to tell me if his original plans are a go or if we would do dinner. I offered Chu Lee's, but after the talk I decided something better would be a better idea. Well he never called. So again I feel I've been played. Or at least always the least on his mind. There is so much "proof" and evidence that I should just walk away. But what is it that makes it so its painful if I try?

Again I'm not going to try to contact him.. And no doubt if I didn't leave that message to call me about the "gift" thing.. He wouldn't have. The car is giving me a headache. And the garage "pulled a misunderstanding thing" they won't pass it till two holes get fix... And how in the hell can I accomplish that. And the misunderstanding was I thought it was agreed they would fix it. So its just costing me about 50% more in gas usage to get to work.. so I'm stressed.

One other positive the lawyer will have all the money he needs to get the bankruptcy thing going... so thats one less stressor.

Oh well.. I still have my DEADline.

J

Song in my mind ~ Misunderstanding-Genesis

Well it seems my attempt to promote LB to Sunshine again, has failed. Like I said he never called thurs, but told me he would call friday to hang out sunday nite. Well... again... nothing.

I don't understand it. He's a good talker... when I talk to him I think all it ok. But guess fairy tales never happen for faggots. Least for me.

I don't see him contacting me for thursday like he "promised".

Getting drunk seems to be the fun he chooses from the rumors I hear.

And one of the things he swore to on thurs, came to be false on Saturday. But the female that was with the troll. I doubt she tells the truth to anyone. So I don't know... I need to move on.. all I know. Which is tough.

I told Chris on Saturday about LB. For up to Monday my feelings for LB where dead, so it didn't matter. But when I couldn't take enjoyment from his breakup... I don't know.. But I was honest with Chris.... Like I'm always am.... I just can't lead anyone one. Cause I know how it hurts.

Chris seemed alittle hurt, however, some have been trying to fix him up with the LB. But we hung out at Stew's house last night with Vanessa. Great food. good company. And he keeps in contact.. He's a little nervous, I'm not as positive as I should be.

I have a doctor's appt on Wednesday. That I have been putting off for a while. Im a little scared.

j

Song in my mind ~ I could never rescue you - The Last 5 Years (musical)

Well... I've had been numb from lack of sleep and other things.

Silence was broken between me and LB/Sunshine. I added him on yahoo and we started chatting. And he was the one that wanted to call me. He remembered my number... thats a plus. All he did was bitch about the what the troll has done for the last few months. I rather not hear it.

We were suppose to do something together thurs, but he was going to call/txt with a definite answer by 7. Well at 7:20 I called him (with his new number that he readily gave me). He has a reason why he couldn't go. And promised to definitely go next thurs.

Then he told me that he would call me Friday for possibly doing something Sunday. He didn't call. And I didn't either. Its Saturday now.

I would take off tomorrow... But I'm committed to going to Eric's Grandfather's memorial service. Which Eric hasn't called to the last two messages I left. So Sunshine/LB isn't the only one that... Forgets me.

Unfort I saw the Troll at the Festa downtown. And of course I had to "hurt" him. But he's lucky. I'm still tempted to make some of the lies he told people that I did to him... True after more then a year and half later. I should be happy. With the stuff that LB/Sunshine tells me... he's still evil as always and at least I don't have to deal with it directly.

The two times I talked to Sunshine/LB on thurs, it seems I can trust him. But then when he doesn't do the small things he said he would... I think I'm being played as a joke again. As I'm so good at doing.

I have a deadline picked again for April 14th to figure everything out.

We'll see if takes even that long.

j

Song in my mind~dead air

Well. Even though I broke silence by asking the LB why he ignored me. Seems its still continuing. He's been on the service at least twice now and didn't reply to my message.

His latest blog has him drinking and thats not legal. His profession he shouldn't be doing that. Cause if he gets a criminal record.... He'll never get a job in his field.

One... if he's as out of control that his blog and some of his old friends say.. I don't want that in my life.

Two... if was just using me for the last year.. he's doing me a favor.

I had no problem going from calling him sunshine to the "LB" again. And part of me should be really happy reading the hell he's been going threw. Esp when I told him in June that if he went back out with the idiot that cheated on him with the troll CJ, that he would get exactly what he's getting. He's ignoring me when I would definitely be there for him in every sense of the word.

But hell he's 18. The odds of it working is naught. I just wish I could feel better about this downfall. Instead of wanting to make him happy.

Why does my feelings and emotions always work against me.
Wish it would end.

J

just sick to the stomach

It seems the LB has been single for a few weeks.

I really doubt he feels anything for me. The evidence would suggest it. And hes still whatever with his ex.

I'll just pray that he continues ignoring me. I don't want to be stupid anymore.

Song in my mind ~ dead air

This is just been one F***ed up day.

I had a another dream about CJ (aka The Troll). Once again it involved me just not really liking him at all. And just ripping into him. But I hate how it stays resident when I wake. There are so many things I'm unsure about. I know I couldn't trust him. But did I do the right thing in trying to love him. EVERY ONE says I did. But I just don't know if I did... because I failed. Maybe not letting go like I should of. But I really feel it was just because all the long, I realized he was using me. So again I can comfort myself in saying it wasn't me. He has serious problems. And I guess deep down. After being so hurt. I still wish I could have solved all his problems and mine as well.

Then being on edge I searched out my friend (faghag) Dolly. And was visiting her and my friend Matt and his pappy. (They lost thier mother a few months ago) so company is usually good. Well there I "saw" the LB. We completely ignored each other. (Which Dolly said was good on my part) He was with a girl that believed every lie the Troll said about me. And to top it off. LB stated this girl is the route of his "supposed" troubles. So again I smell a lie. And again I feel pain because he played me. And I fell for it.

So I'm losing ground that I think I gained. I really wish I would have never met the troll... My issues would have been gone by now. And I'm really thinking that course is going to come back to being a escape. Its dumb. But I'm feeling I'm coming apart. And I don't want to become something I'm not suppose to be.

And to compound that. I just revisited "Zach's Blog" that I talked about. He has "changed". That Love in Action bullshit, well... I did that to myself from 1996 to 1999. I didn't want to be gay. I lost my soul mate in 1996. And the church tried to convince me that if I "never had sex", "never masturbate", and all that "Sin" stuff, that I would help him get to heaven and save me. Well. If it was evil you could get rid of it. I truly believe that. And I was strong back then. If it was possible to "convert" I would have done it. The "type" of people that are running that camp are the "fakes" that you see on the TV church stations, the ones that only care about "send in your donations".

For "their" souls, I hope Zach is happy in his life. Gay or Straight. And I'll be the first one to hope that if he can be truly happy Straight. Excellent. But in 1996 I thought I could do that. That was when I realized if I wasn't who I was and am. I would kill myself. Then it was I was afraid I never fall in love with someone. And when I did, I thought I would die when it ended. And now I'm afraid I will kill myself, because I'm now in my 30's which is death to a gay guy that is only attracted to the college type. But now even if I find them. I'm going to think they are evil and untruthful like the Troll and LB are. So... I truly think I'm losing the battle. But I do know. Going straight wouldn't be an answer. I know I tried it already. It would be a lie to me and to the female.

See what happened when you screw around with someone. I pray for you Zach.

But there's no prayer for me. at least for right now.

Life is too precious to not be sure of yourself. I wasted a lot of it. Maybe too much trying to be what other factors thought it should be. So that is why I'm worried for Zach.

Life is too precious to be evil like the Troll and LB.

How is anyone able to survive? There is still a little part of me.. That hopes to find the answer.

I know I'm a good person.. But I'm not liking finishing last.

j

Song in My Mind ~ Goodbye Until Tomorrow / I Could Never Rescue You-The Last 5 Years

Eche...

This was a very kinda boring week.

Monday I came home and Justin (Closet boy from Jamestown) wanted to get together, so I decided we should try to do a cookout at Willow Bay, and well the rest.. hehe... He opted out with the cook out thing. So Ceeto and I went Kayaking and well... taking a cat kayaking is always interesting. Justin came over later... and it was "fun"... but now he's been quiet. I invited him to go to NYC with me next month for the weekend, and he seemed quite interested. But again he's been quiet.

Tues work. Then came home took a nap. Went to the stable to finally spend some quality time with Jacob. He was being a little moody.. but overall it was a nice night. Went home and got the last fairly good night of sleep. least till Friday.

Wed work. Karaoke on WED sucked again. Went in late as requested, went home a little too early cause there were still "singers" there.. But the owner wanted it cause it was slow. But what the hell.. Sending me in late and out early isn't going to solve it. He needs to advertise.. So I'm getting pissy.

Thur Work then Karaoke at the "Garter".... it was slow there, but the owner there has a different outlook. We are just starting and he thinks its going to be good. But we shall see. Chris (the 20yo from Utah/visiting our fair city) wanted to visit and stay the night... but I warned him that I needed the whole two freaking hours of sleep I might get that night... He's not too understanding of that. Work friday.... got numb from the lack of sleep... ended up passing out at 8ish... and woke up just in time for work sat... (and good thing... didn't set the clocks... so I was thankful to the Big Guy upstairs for that little help)

I was suppose to work Sunday for the bus.... but that changed.. they wanted me too early to be safe.. so... Work on Sat... sing at church... dinner maybe.... Karaoke tonight... and I don't know whats going to happen tommorrow. OH well...

will get out of Bradford.... (I hope)

I'm getting a interesting attitude in my mind about relationships. Don't want it. Starting to like to hate alot of people. Kinda getting the F*** it attitude. Don't know if thats good or bad.

Best,
J

song in my mind ~ If I had a Rocket Launcher - Bruce Cowburn

Well, I got threw the weekend. The Sushi run wasn't bad.... ordered to much. But I got really tired on the way home. Had to sleep between Springville and Ellicottville somewhere on 219. If the LB would have been with me, we would have had good view of Fireworks in Buffalo... but yet again his lost.

Long day at work on Saturday, and didn't get a nap I was planning on Sat night. So Karaoke was long and.... tiring.

Slepted in on Sunday so needless to say didn't get to Darien Lake. But I did make it to the Red Garter for a unfancy dinner and some accoustic music.

Then decided to go see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Once again I was disapointed in such a high hiped movie. Johnny was so FAGGY. And not in a good way. The characters was kinda well casted otherwise. But I didn't like how the movie dragged in some areas then decide to jump a few pages. And the Opma's songs where UNunderstandable. But I like that there was only one character for the Ompa's. Cause of all the crulity in the original.

It might have been a better experience. But I was really feeling the loneliness. After the movie I just saw about ten hotties that I know I would never have a chance with. So.... it kinda sucked.

Oh well. I'm just trying to remember that being lonely is better then Murdering Liars. But both have its good parts.

Best,
J