Song in my mind ~ dead air

This is just been one F***ed up day.

I had a another dream about CJ (aka The Troll). Once again it involved me just not really liking him at all. And just ripping into him. But I hate how it stays resident when I wake. There are so many things I'm unsure about. I know I couldn't trust him. But did I do the right thing in trying to love him. EVERY ONE says I did. But I just don't know if I did... because I failed. Maybe not letting go like I should of. But I really feel it was just because all the long, I realized he was using me. So again I can comfort myself in saying it wasn't me. He has serious problems. And I guess deep down. After being so hurt. I still wish I could have solved all his problems and mine as well.

Then being on edge I searched out my friend (faghag) Dolly. And was visiting her and my friend Matt and his pappy. (They lost thier mother a few months ago) so company is usually good. Well there I "saw" the LB. We completely ignored each other. (Which Dolly said was good on my part) He was with a girl that believed every lie the Troll said about me. And to top it off. LB stated this girl is the route of his "supposed" troubles. So again I smell a lie. And again I feel pain because he played me. And I fell for it.

So I'm losing ground that I think I gained. I really wish I would have never met the troll... My issues would have been gone by now. And I'm really thinking that course is going to come back to being a escape. Its dumb. But I'm feeling I'm coming apart. And I don't want to become something I'm not suppose to be.

And to compound that. I just revisited "Zach's Blog" that I talked about. He has "changed". That Love in Action bullshit, well... I did that to myself from 1996 to 1999. I didn't want to be gay. I lost my soul mate in 1996. And the church tried to convince me that if I "never had sex", "never masturbate", and all that "Sin" stuff, that I would help him get to heaven and save me. Well. If it was evil you could get rid of it. I truly believe that. And I was strong back then. If it was possible to "convert" I would have done it. The "type" of people that are running that camp are the "fakes" that you see on the TV church stations, the ones that only care about "send in your donations".

For "their" souls, I hope Zach is happy in his life. Gay or Straight. And I'll be the first one to hope that if he can be truly happy Straight. Excellent. But in 1996 I thought I could do that. That was when I realized if I wasn't who I was and am. I would kill myself. Then it was I was afraid I never fall in love with someone. And when I did, I thought I would die when it ended. And now I'm afraid I will kill myself, because I'm now in my 30's which is death to a gay guy that is only attracted to the college type. But now even if I find them. I'm going to think they are evil and untruthful like the Troll and LB are. So... I truly think I'm losing the battle. But I do know. Going straight wouldn't be an answer. I know I tried it already. It would be a lie to me and to the female.

See what happened when you screw around with someone. I pray for you Zach.

But there's no prayer for me. at least for right now.

Life is too precious to not be sure of yourself. I wasted a lot of it. Maybe too much trying to be what other factors thought it should be. So that is why I'm worried for Zach.

Life is too precious to be evil like the Troll and LB.

How is anyone able to survive? There is still a little part of me.. That hopes to find the answer.

I know I'm a good person.. But I'm not liking finishing last.

j