Song in my mind ~ When I Fall - Barenaked Ladies

I wish I could fly
From this building
From this wall
And if I should try
Would you catch me if I fall?


Really and truly...  I don't think there is... well... in the way I would like to be caught....

Well, other than work beating the hell out of me, or well starting to make the happy pills not to work again...  Things are barely tolerable.  I'm spending too much money again... and doing stupid stuff.

So...  thought in the prior posts...  but the one that I have referred to as the "little bastard" has been in jail for a 6 month sentence.  Not sure if he did it or not.  I'm kinda leaning that he didn't... however it seems that whenever I'm sure of anything... I'm wrong.  I have visited him a few times...  and to find out, one of my other ex's Tony is in there for being a pedo...  I really pick them don't I.  Well of course he is giving some mixed signals but more no signals really.  I want to just turn my back and I can't....  But I can't stop thinking if I don't try.. .well it will get worse for him...  but then if I try will it get worse for me?

So I guess in late April, I saw the final high school show for two of the theatre kids I have kinda have a soft part in my heart for.  One very talented, but straighty (thank gawd)...  and well one that is also talented in a different way, (plus I never really heard him sing)...  but best way to describe him as if Jack from Will & Grace, had a child with Jack from Will & Grace.  Well he had a tough life but then for the last two years he has had two incredible moms...  And really he seems like at his work, and well every aspect I see (which really isn't much) he as such great passion.  Well when we talked at the show he seemed to value my praise of him, and well he hugged me... which was a kinda a big thing because a year ago or more I threaten to beat the shit out this one fag that he was dating...  why?  because it was Stat Rape if anything happened.  This piece of shit continues to date high schoolers.. and well its sick.  And he is fugly.  Well I knew this twink was dating someone and I knew he did not go to his senior year NYC trip.  Not sure why... he played it off as nothing (again positive passion) but others told me he was very sad not to be able to go.  So Jason got a great idea.

I offered to take him to NYC to see a few shows.  One Hedwig and the Angry Inch, which since he is very fabulous, I could see him in the staring role... if he can sing... as I already seen pictures of him looking kinda like a hot girl...  And he picked Newsies...  well the original plan was to go down on a Friday, see a show Friday (Hedwig) and on Saturday Newsies and come home.  As I think I said he had a BF (long distance) at the time... so not to appear like a swarmy old man... pouncing on fresh meat... that will I'm sure that doesn't want this old fat prune...  I extended the offer to the current BF.  then I found out the current BF would still be 17 when he decided to go, so I told the twink that the BF parents would have to write a permission note as NY can be funny about trolls bringing underage people across state lines...  Well then they broke up... so then I got the other great idea of extending the days and seeing and doing more.  So things were going ok, then like the talking was minimal.  And in talking with one of the moms, he started since this 20 something...  fairly sure 21.  Which well.. there are some possible situations that I would disapprove of, but then if they followed the law, then I would be 100% ok with the relationship.  Heck with I was 18 I dated a 14yo police officer's daughter..  and well..  it was ok, as we didn't do anything against the law.  Well I'm not asking questions...  cause I don't need to know..  anyway instead of Stat Rape now it would only be corruption of a minor, which in this case a cop would be hard pressed to do anything.  The mom loves this new bf, and well according to facebook, he seems really nice enough...  But again the talking between me and twink started getting weird, so to prevent any swarminess, I again extended the invitation to the new BF. So I'm now a third wheel on something I was going to use as a vacation.

But, other then I want to walk out in front of a bus when I see the cute photos of these two...  After I get passed my bitchy jealous self.  I do in fact I'm happy that the twink has what seems to be good person in his life.  I did kinda wanted to get to know the twink on a one on one basis.. however.. I'm throwing this into God's hands.  Yeah I guess I was crushing a bit.. well maybe not that.. but really overstretching thinking this could be the prince charming...  well..  I know better.. so its best how its working out.  But they are both pissing me off because I'm trying to iron out the room thing.  The BF is suppose to get good deals, which would make my usual way into the city different.. however the grand plan would for the BF to get a great deal for a room IN the city and those two for at least a night would have a romantic night to themselves...  and give my bitchy heart a break.  On Sunday I thought it would be a great idea to stop at Knobbles Park on the way home...  however as said before.. I'm now the third wheel on the weekend I'm paying for (well rooms and show tickets and maybe one dinner).  But really it only cost me $90 for the BF to come too.. cause I really didn't need to see Newsies again...  So oh well.  I kept telling the twink it was because he could be my kid..  just at a point I was seeing someone if the age wasn't a issue... you would think falling for was a good idea.  however...  I feel I really bit off more then I can chew..  as it will be a double edge sword.  But as long as I do a Tony Winning performance and just focus to give this special guy a great weekend with the one he loves...  That has to be a positive Karma deposit right?

So I've decided to waste more money.  I just booked a room up at ABay, but it won't be on Pirates weekend.. but the next weekend which is Rock and Roll Weekend.  which I think might be better as Pirates weekend has been a bit boring.  Last good thing was that cutie straighty Zeke.. which I haven't seen in two years...  In the last letter I invited the LB but I really doubt he will accept.. so... I just flat out got a queen bed.  New hotel... price seems ok...  and well its more on the river then the last place I've been staying at...  Still not as "romantic" as Pine Tree Point.. which has been closed for a few years now that is really sad.

Well I might need the vacation after this August.  The sister is getting married.. and well... I really need to stop being so honest...  cause I'm tearing my mom apart... but the sis said something that really pissed me off, she has became someone that if we weren't related, I would have no time for period.  And the honesty is well I in fact said I didn't want to go to the wedding.  Because she once said and I quote in regards to the 2010 election. "The only reason your voting for that *N word* is because he is for gay marriage"...  well I wish I would have been able to think on my feet and say that's the exact reason you should be voting for him. She thinks he has done nothing for jobs...  but her Grandmother was a bigot, her father is a bigot...  and well.. normal people see that its because the whole republicans are bigots or just short sighted that they obstruct everything and who caused the whole mess in the first place.  The republicans...  so..  I tend to think its because she is in fact a bigot, even though she dated a black guy and has "gay friends".  Then again... it could me I'm a horrible opinionated arse too.  but at least I'm agreeing that's a possibility.

Well On-call... waiting for hell to start.. forgot my cpap so... sleeping is going to suck anyway.. so I'm going to sign off.

Wish me luck in making sure I do the good deed, I originally wanted to do, and not let my heart get in the damn way.

Best,
J