Song in my mind ~ Maybe - Next to Normal the Musical (repeat 1)

Maybe I've lost it at last
Maybe my last lucid moment has passed
I'm dancing with death, I suppose
But really who knows?




Well, as I thought the July trip on taking the twink to NYC, was a complete and total disaster, just not in the way I feared. Just a week or two before doing this trip, I met another 18 yo from Jersey who supposedly was into old trolls like me... So I was actually thinking this trip wouldn't be as painful.  And at first it wasn't.  We met and started driving, and right away he the twink not the slut how he met the current BF who at this point couldn't go because of work, which then I had to give the third ticket away, but I thought of giving it to my friend Eric, as he has put up with me well over the years, and he just graduated grad school so I was keeping with the graduation theme of this trip. 
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Well the twink told me that the current BF was the one dating the Pedo that I wanted to punch for two years not who I learned did more/gave horrible things to the twink, however how they met was through a three way, which then made the current BF a Pedo as well as it was the same age difference as the BHOH and the LB. (you will have to go back a few years for those references as for the most part I haven't been talking about them.)  But this time around they supposedly waited till the twink turned 18...  Well I kinda let it slide.  The twink asked me if I could would I throw him into jail for drinking...  I said well no, as that's not as a big deal to me, as long as its safeish.  I would never supply and I can't arrest unless its a felony.  We talked about a lot of things, he heard about Jamie...  I thought he wanted to be treated as a 18yo...  and in my book if a kid is able to die for his country at 18, I'm ok with that. 
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We had dinner at the Powerhouse which I love the food, the prices could be better...  It could have been romantic, but as I was purposely trying not to do that... and I was more interested in few of the waiters.  So we get to the hotel, and prepared for the next day.  Which it was a bear getting into the city, so we went directly to Coney Island, which was different then I expected, kinda pretty, love the lifeguards...  and did what I really wanted to do was to ride the wonder wheel.  At this point the twink was pretty much in his phone, and well told me a few of the issues him and the BF were having, and well I kinda figured it was in trouble... esp since the Mom's stopped them from seeing each other in a "week break"....  That should have been a warning for me.  So I started talking to...  ummm... lets name him the 18yo Slut.  But at that point I thought he was ok.  So we then headed to the 9-11 site, toured the gayborhood, which I showed him a store that a mutual friend of ours would love, (I showed him a butt picture of what this person was into (he is kinda a big deal from DuBois, and very hot) but this type of thing was not the twink's type so he was kinda ewwwing it...  Got a bite to eat at Jekyle and Hyde, cool restaurant, this was down in the village so I know Times Square has a bigger one so I'll have to see if bigger is better in this case. 
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We then we headed to Hedwig and the Angry Inch.  The first show.  It was f@#$ing amazing.  Neil did such a great job and you know how I am a traditionalist, ever Sugar Daddie that they revamped that I was teetering watching the Tony's, loved it and the whole show.  After the show the twink just looked at me and said I love you, but I know it was just because it was my idea to get him to see this show.  But after that here is how the weekend started going down hill..  So the slut and I was talking, and he wanted to meet, so I asked the twink 10 times if he had a problem with the Slut (again wasn't the slut at the time) to come over to the hotel room.  He said no 10 times.  We when I met the slut he ran to give me a hug and he brought food from his work.  Well the plan became to sleep and he tag along in the city the next morning.  Well...  the slut wanted things to progress... now things happened that might should not have... but I did draw the line and prevented them from really going to far... and well during this the twink had to be sleeping because he was facing us...  so I thought things were ok.  Now I didn't get much sleep....  but in the morning me and the slut decided to "conserve" water and again not much happed, however when we were in there... the damn fire alarm went off and the twink did wake up.  He texted are you at breakfast...  I decided to be honest...  more downhill....


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So we went into the city and it seemed all of us were getting along well.  We did the highline, got a bite to eat, I gave my ticket that was once the twink's BF ticket to the slut so he could understand why musical theatre is so important to me.  And I needed to run to the Top of the Rock to get another ticket for Sunset anyway, as our number increased after I got that idea.  After the show the twink did Stage Door, then we went up to Dylan's candy and Roosevelt island which the twink thought was my big surprise.  Mind you at this point I was buying everything for both of them as the twink didn't save up enough money. Then we went to the Top of the Rock which was the big surprise where the twink just took a shit load of pictures with my phone as his died.  I spent most of the evening telling the slut there was nothing between the twink and me...  Not sure why after what you will learn before why I even had to do that.  However it was very nice up there, very pretty at sunset. 


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So after that, we headed back to NJ to drop off the slut (there was some talk of him coming to PA as he didn't have to work, but that didn't happen)..  then me and the twink drove back to PA.  But here is went the slut gets his name.  He was with another guy he just met that night, probably before me and the twink got to our next hotel in PA.  Now that night the twink was trying to talk the BF into joining us. (or maybe taking him home not sure at this point, but not at that point)


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Next morning we headed to Knobble's which is a older amusement park and again I was buying everything at this point.  Some key conversation points.  The twink didn't approve of the age difference of me and the slut, as I needed a older version of him?.?.  Have no clue what that meant that maybe the twink thought we be perfect if the age difference wasn't there.  I didn't think this was true... I didn't hate him as I thought would also be a possible issue, but there were things that made be glad I only wanted to be friends... and one of his bitches about his BF as "he has to plan everything"....  well... hell I know I would have to be 10x's worse then the worse person on that front....  Other then that.. there was this one ride that I couldn't figure how it functioned. (there is the brake that I thought it braked it, but actually it braked and made the damn thing roll around... .I was wrong)  But the bet was if I was wrong it was $100, if I was right he had to be my slave. (I guess he heard Sex in front of that which will be important later)  He then shot back well that wouldn't work because I would just sit in the corner and laugh at you, and I came back so you would act like a cat)...  Which I thought that whole exchange was kinda funny.


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Then when I though wow I would get through this weekend without him thinking at all I was trying to buy his whatever, I did say (and again I thought it was funny), I would never hit on you as your moms would kick my ass.  And as we where living I mentioned something about wills and I said my will, will state that everything goes to the person that will keep all my cats together.  And since I believe because of my health I only have maybe 9 or 10 years... and he was kinda pushy saying I would live longer then that.. and I thought I sensed maybe he thought I was referring to suicide and he was giving that type of "talk"....  So really I thought all went well.
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We got back home he thanked me, showed his mom the big jaw breaking that I bought, which well I bought more then that, but it was another thank you....  But during this I found out that the BF is a volunteer sexual assault advocate, which one of the moms runs the program which I thought was kinda inappropriate knowing what he did... but what ever....
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So a few hours later I tried to facebook thanks to the twink, Eric and the slut and mention to the BF I got his baby home safe.  Well I couldn't tag him in facebook, asked the twink what happen with that, got ignored, the BF wrote back I wasn't someone he be proud to have on his friends list.  (which first thing I thought that's the pot calling the kettle something Pedo)  Then about hour after that, I got ripped a new one by one of his mom's.  She thought everything I did was inappropriate.  Again I know of two occasions as a mandated reporter of abuse she did nothing...  And not touching this kid at all (again who is 18) just talking as well if you remember the first story he told me was about being in a three way (really innocent there)...  Now having the slut wanting to be a slut... yeah I agree that wasn't the smartest thing...  but then again.. I was paying the full bill, and well since I'm fat and ugly I need to act on any interest when I can...  (rationalization I know.. and like I said that was in fact the one thing I agree on)  So I was completely devastated as I hate when I don't meet others expectations and well think bad of me and my reputation takes a hint.  Well I talked to my therapist and well she being a older lady as well...  doesn't think I did anything wrong.  And I never said "sex" slave...  that pisses me off.  I broke silence once, and congratulated him on getting a decent role in the local theatre, and that was ignored... so he is or was the arse of the day.. and well I'm not worrying about him anymore.  Not my job.
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So that night I tried to contact the slut, and I couldn't..  he eventually called me later around 1am...  and well...  he didn't understand the situation...  I talked to him the next day and well that's when he officially got slut status.  Supposedly when he stay over with us...  he was a virgin and he wanted to go all the way, and never met anyone like this before... but as I said the same day we left he sucked off a guy, and when I was trying to call him about the above disaster, which if you do the time was within 24 hours of me dropping him off, he was fucking another guy.....  So enter in slut status.. and when he needed a pocket calendar of who he was going to suck/fuck, I got pissed which was way to long as I should have never talked to him again, but again I started making excuses for him...  well then we talked "as friends" which well was hard on me, as I was the only one wanted something real with him (as all these other guys fuck/sucked and ran)  He bitch about not meeting people that didn't get him....  well all was going well till he actually came to PA, which his dad was driving after work at 1am which made me concerned as that's not a good time to drive... after that he has not said a word...  So after a few days of him slutting around on hornet, I just told him to have a nice life. 
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Now through all of this Shawn started to be on my mind, and on facebook he had a picture and the outfit he had on screamed gay.  So I started a messaging session with him, and again he thanked me for giving him the courage to move out, he talked about how July 18 last year was bad (which was around when he told his parents he was gay and they were supposedly forcing him to a pray a gay away place in Florida (do you know I fing hate Florida?)  Well since then he lied said he wasn't dating anyone back in March.  However I found out he tried a girl and a guy older then me...  who dumped him as he was to serious for the old troll...  But then explained to me how I need to find someone closer to my age ?.?...  and that the reason he won't date me as he wants to live here and there...  so basically it was another Seth...  who is still treating me like a ass...  I bring the gay out of them and they know they are hot so they turn into a asshole and forget all about me..  which then.. I understand that's how its really suppose work, just they tell you prior to that, that your the type they are looking for.  So I thanked him for telling me nicely we will never date so I'm over him as well.
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So I kinda got depressed.. but then I wasn't but I had no energy, which the pill doctor thinks I needed another one...  oh well...  Like I said before, I would like to know I tried everything, if I ever decided to take that final bow.
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During all of this I was trying to be nice to the LB who is still in jail, we wrote a few times and I visited him twice... but then he stopped writing...  So on his facebook when he gets out, he got a thank you, as least he didn't lead me on just to get more money out of me...  of course I can't tell you how much I gave him already over the past ten stupid years...  so mark him as a no.. even though again if he had a life with me he wouldn't be in jail in the first place.
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Saw Matilda two weeks after the disaster trip, It was suppose to be with a friend, her daughter and husband... that should have been safe...  however then the hubby wanted to got they wanted two days instead of one... so that would have upped my debt.. but then they all got sick and couldn't go.  So I took around a $60 hit however my good friend Kate and her sister joined me..  Another time I was suppose to see the slut and well that didn't work out which was good...  But I was able to keep some of the debt down without having to pay for a hotel.
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Some positive...  My friend Keram, and now I feel I can actually call him a friend, release a CD of some really great music, he included me in the credits for all the support since 2000...  (he is also in films and tv shows so he is kinda a big deal!!)  Well he had a CD release party that I just had to go to.  So to save money I booked a bed at a hostel, which was next to the place he was playing.  I got a hug from him, and he is hot as hell, even being 40... but he doesn't look it, and act it in a good way.. and well thankfully he is straight, as if he was gay I would be so depressed I couldn't marry him and be a good wifey.  But the live show was fantastic, loved the energy which you don't get from a recording and well was very close and said hello to Alex Lifeson, who I didn't know till after that he is like the biggest guitar player in Canada, as he is in Rush.. haha..  So that night was kinda really great.


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As I said in the last post I booked 3 nights in Alex Bay, and overall that was nice. However all my credit cards are too high for my liking (my person rule after buying the house)  But the town is just dying.  its changing and not in a good way.. and well again being at a nice place alone... got to me...  again another reason for the second happy pill.  But thinks should pick up at work and get those cards down..  I got a quick trip to AZ coming up in October....
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So overall I'm ok... would be better if I just would stop just trying to be nice to the wrong people.. since well I didn't want a relationship with the twink...  (I guess I wouldn't have been against it either which why I thought it would be a disaster before the disaster)....  but all well.  Gonna just try to focus on me.
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One last thing, me and another guy are hoping Grey Gardens gets picked for a show next year.  If I get my foot in the door as a director...  maybe some other things will come out of it.
But really who knows?
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Sorry this is so rambly, but I'm too tired to proof read it.. and who even reads this anymore. lol


J.