Tuesday, May 31, 2005

song in my mind - The Heart of The Matter ~ Don Henley

Well.... Sunshine and I talked via yahoo tonight. Not a promising night. Very few answers and only more frustrations.

He still wants the kid. Even though he recognizes its not good. Oh well I know more then I should. I know I could fix it, but in the end could damage it worse. So I don't know what to do.

I wish I could walk away. Again maybe not the time. Smart maybe.. but who knows.

All I know that I wasted another night.

night

j

Monday, May 30, 2005

song in my mind - It was to much to ask for ~ Up with People

Oh well.... oh well.... whatever.....

Nothing much going on... Went to a Memorial Day party today... alone.. surprise??? hehe.. It was clear I was remembering what was exactly going on a year ago. (the finale with the troll) I don't miss him at all. I do miss something, but its not him. (but I think I've made that perfectly clear already in a few past posts)

As for sunshine... Nothing. Unfort I did see the troll Saturday night... and he was stupid enough to look in my direction so I gave him the one finger salute. hehe... I know I should be above that. But hey.. he made the mistake of looking at me... and I don't want him to.

I was talking to someone from Erie tonight. Lit bit older then Sunshine. Not much but enough. He was nice... but it ended without any secure way of talking again. However... I really would like to find someone I'm attracted to more closer to my paths around the sun. But if they are Smart, Cute, and nice... I must be a gentleman and such.. hehe. But the song from Up with People just kicked in.

"It was too much to ask for I'm sure, but it would have been nice just the same, to be on top, number one, having fun. Not to be last to be picked for the game."

Oh well... the song actually turns out that he gets more then he thought he should get. Maybe sometimes there are happy endings. So... I guess I will just wait and see what is to happen. Will there be "Sunshine". Hey its been a year in the making... UNTILL I know for certain either way... I'm going to "long".... But I have already seen a more patient side of me... so its not that bad.. hehe...

I'm going to bed... night

J

Thursday, May 26, 2005

song in my mind - Wake me up when September Ends ~ Greenday

Very down. No energy. Monday was the last I chatted when sunshine. I asked him if the "kid" was going to his graduation. He said he didn't know, and that he was "a worthless piece of shit." I offered to go if he wanted, and asked him if he still had the "pictures" that I loaned him money for.. that one I never got the pictures he promised, or repayment. NO ANSWER

waited 30 mins I asked him again..... He always promised me if there was a problem between us that he would be "Up Front" about it. NO ANSWER

But in the recent past, I have asked the same question because of his "less then interest" approach. And he's said there is nothing wrong.

Now I can come up with ten reasons for the positive for the "quiet mode" and ten negative. I'm starting to lean to the negative, due to the fact... For me it was to much to hope for. And if I did achieve it. It could really not work out that great. So oh well......

Mom and Dolly are coming at me from different directions, on the same subject. They both want me to move to NYC. Dolly to the point that if I fail.... She'd let me live with her if I need to come back to Bradford. She had me in tears. Its hard for me to hear such "encouragement" coming my way. I dont see how I could "break threw" down there. There are MANY talented unemployed people down there. I dont know... Eric is very happy down there.... and he would be my only "compass" down there. I don't know. I would love to be able to just give up now. But even the small chance that Sunshine my need me in the future.... makes me hold on. I Don't know... I rather seem to know that I don't make sense much....

J

Monday, May 23, 2005

song in my mind - Mixed Tape AveQ

Well.... nothing really major going on.... Other then Sunshine.... still very much on the quiet side. Got my season pass for Darien Lake and went up Sunday. No lines and cute Canadians. :)

Left my cell phone in the car, cause I was sure no one would need me. However 30mins before I got back to the car Sunshine actually txted me to ask me the name of Sara McLachlan's Angel song... Which is "Angel"....... So I don't know. I asked him how his weekend was and he said "ok".... Again quiet.

Don't know. Working alot and tired... all that I can say for now.

Best,
J

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Song in my Mind - There's a fine, fine line.... AveQ

Hey guys.... A lot going on.... Some not the best... Some just amazing.

Well.... Sunshine txt'd me with some "bad news" on Mother's day. But I think I need to clarify some crap... if I can.

Sunshine = person I was talking about when I first started this. Sometimes referred to as the "LB". Young Twink that should not be interested in me. But has told others that he "liked" me. But sometimes his contact level.... Drives me nuts. Sometimes I wonder if we are friends let alone maybe couple material later down the road. Was? or and is seeing the "kid". Sunshine is completely legal seeing the kid. Age difference is "normal" Sunshine has mostly demonstrated fairly mature motives.

The Troll = psychopathic EX of me. Got in trouble legally for being inappropriate with sunshine in 2003. Pretty much stalked him since then. Main reason we broke up. However if I had a freakin clue in 2003, it would have never lasted a year and half. Liar, crook, scum bag, sick minded, evil, devil spawn and looks like a troll. If I only had a clue... oh well... Some people just need to learn the hard way. Vomit has better qualities. Not to mention, it seems not many people liked him, but just gave him a chance just because I was with him. Now they just bitch slap me for being dumb back then, and will not allow me to even come remotely close to being that stupid again.

Kid = Someone that I was appreciative of. Sunshine needed to date someone more his age. Like I said, I don't understand why sunshine likes (liked) me. But I was VERY supportive of the relationship between him and the kid. I want Sunshine to be happy at the very most. If it would have been me at a appropriate time by his choosing, I would be open to it, just because I know I would protect and never harm him. But how many Twinks do you know that want that. Well the "kid" has screwed up royally, and frankly, he never seemed to be on Sunshine's page of maturity. And ended up hurting sunshine.

Ok I'm already lost. I feel bad if anyone reads this.

But the txt message on mom's day stated that the Kid cheated on Sunshine with the Troll. (which is TOTALLY SICK AND VERY VERY VERY VERY FELONIOUS) It was very early in the morning so making it seem urgent. But Sunshine hadn't contacted me for near 3 months. Which I hoped was mostly because he was happy with the kid. However there was evidence that the Troll was still being a foul person. (Mind you the troll has been seeing a rather questionable 26 yo throughout the last year... And the troll as been more criminal this last year then when he was with me.) So there is actually someone stupider then me. IF Can you believe that.

Well again Sunshine has been mostly quiet, so I don't understand what exactly what he wants from me. But like in the past. I'm very content to stay on the back burner. I will not interfere. Sunshine needs to use his own head.

The troll..... State prison would be too good for him. But again. He doesn't affect me anymore. And he will get his eventually.

Sunshine. Again... I'm just looking for honesty, and friendship if you need/want it. More if a "right" time ever comes around. But Friendship is the priority.

The Kid... What the hell... Why would you risk losing the Sunshine for a OLD Troll. But again.... Some people just need to learn by the hardest freaken way possible. I feel bad for you. Most people lose too much when they come in contact with the troll. Me and Sunshine know first hand.

But then again. I know I don't know the complete story. And mostly if I could be a cold hearted person (like I wish I could be) I could completely walk away and not give another thought to it. Cause I know it really doesn't affect me. Oh well.

I know most people don't understand. My rule is not to date anyone under 21. But I thought maybe a long friendship, might override the rule this one time. And the friendship is going on 6 years. And talking when Sunshine needs it and here hasn't been a problem yet.

When I say friends. I mean and demand the conversations to stay G rated. I thought boring would be the best way to be. Least for my part.

Now on to better news.

WOW, still can't believe it! As most know, my birthday sucked in NYC. So bad that I ended up having a COURT DAY in NYC, on 5/17. Well I was dead set to make sure I made up for the sucky Bday... and oh boy did I !!!!

To Start it off. Got to the city, had GREAT sushi, subway to lower Manhattan, WON the Court thing, hung out at Battery Park,

Subway back to up town. Good Thai Dinner. I was invited to tour the Sirius Satellite Radio Studio of Derek and Romaine of Channel 149 fame!!! Was able to participate LIVE in their show. (Broadcasted by Satellite all across the nation I might add!) They are wonderful people FOLKS!!!!

Then went to the 8pm show of AveQ... which was EXECELENT!!!! Met the cast after the show and during that ALSO met, Elijah Wood that just got done watching the same show!!!!! The lead of the show is Barrett Foa who is a friend of Bradford's own Eric Petterson!!!!

My Gawd.... Barrett is so MAJORLY talented. and HOTT!!! and being 27, much better, normal age over the mess above. But I'm sure he's taken. Thinks I'm a stalker by how I acted last night... And would know to avoid my fat ass like the plague.

With a attitude like that.... No wonder the shit in the first part can effect me.

Well... I'm tired... Only had 2 hours sleep in the last 30 hours.

bye me.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Song in my mind - collide Howie Day

Well.... to get up to speed. Last Sunday I guess went ok. Gregory was nice, sushi was good.... Pittsburgh police.... well.... I got out of a $250 dollar fine... what is with me and the police lately... least they been being nice to me.... hehe..

Well... I haven't heard from Gregory other then a little txt message... so I don't know. I tried.

So I don't know who's going to NYC with me on the 17th now.... Any cute takers?

Tomorrow I'm planning on a kayak and bike trip down by my favorite rails to trails place (down by Snowshoe) ... Haven't been there in two years. Last time was with the troll... But... Screw him. And I completely detailed the car and the truck so they look really good.

AS for the title. I've seen blogs with songs... Well I can't think of anything thing other then update for my title... so I'd decided to use that for the music in my mind part. As for that song... I wish I had someone to have that song mean something for... Its a nice song for that.

Oh well.. till next time.
Best,
J