song in my mind - Wake me up when September Ends ~ Greenday

Very down. No energy. Monday was the last I chatted when sunshine. I asked him if the "kid" was going to his graduation. He said he didn't know, and that he was "a worthless piece of shit." I offered to go if he wanted, and asked him if he still had the "pictures" that I loaned him money for.. that one I never got the pictures he promised, or repayment. NO ANSWER

waited 30 mins I asked him again..... He always promised me if there was a problem between us that he would be "Up Front" about it. NO ANSWER

But in the recent past, I have asked the same question because of his "less then interest" approach. And he's said there is nothing wrong.

Now I can come up with ten reasons for the positive for the "quiet mode" and ten negative. I'm starting to lean to the negative, due to the fact... For me it was to much to hope for. And if I did achieve it. It could really not work out that great. So oh well......

Mom and Dolly are coming at me from different directions, on the same subject. They both want me to move to NYC. Dolly to the point that if I fail.... She'd let me live with her if I need to come back to Bradford. She had me in tears. Its hard for me to hear such "encouragement" coming my way. I dont see how I could "break threw" down there. There are MANY talented unemployed people down there. I dont know... Eric is very happy down there.... and he would be my only "compass" down there. I don't know. I would love to be able to just give up now. But even the small chance that Sunshine my need me in the future.... makes me hold on. I Don't know... I rather seem to know that I don't make sense much....

J