Song in my mind ~ It might as well be spring - State Fair the Musical

ahh. This is one time I really wish I didn't have to blog. I was kinda happy to only talk about positive things for the last 5 months or so. But November decided to be a kinda of a sucky month.

First, unfort I lost the fight with my vet on November 6th. As I said in the last blog my little Deoge wasn't doing so hot. However, he was managing, (barely I admit) but he was not messing the house (he was making it to the litter box, however I helped him often by taking him to it.) And the main thing was I insisted as to as a long as he could cuddle I couldn't put him to sleep. But I also saw that he was blind, his jaw shifted again so he was biting his upper lip and it was becoming a puncture wound. And I could tell by his face that the "tumor" was getting worse. His little face was just getting so distorted. Even though I say I lost the fight, cause I really feel I did not have the right to take Deoge's life. But the chance of me putting him threw unbearable misery wasn't possible either. So Tony, Ceeto and I watched as Deoge fell asleep for the last time. It killed me when Ceeto started licking Deoge's paw, it was like he knew something bad was happening. I did put a tribute page on my web site up for Deoge. View it if you know it.

Of course this happened two days after Prop 8 made me feel like a 2nd rate person once again. But maybe I should thank all those hateful people. If I felt this much pain over an animal, maybe protecting me from losing a child, (to which I rather not have a child unless I was in a dedicated relationship with me being a product of a single parent household.) is a good thing. All you haters out there are right. Me being torn up over something I loved is a clear indication that I wouldn't' be a good parent. God help if children actually are loved and cared for. God knows I didn't purposely like use all my money (which was left after Tony ate me almost out of house and home) to help Deoge get better. Yeah, I'd be a horrible parent. The Mormon church. haha... to bad they weren't as organized back in the 60's. They would have had a double victory then. They were against Civil Rights for the "African Americans" but they probably like them better then gays, so they would be the 2nd class citizen, and the gays would be 3rd class.

I had to go to Bradford after all that and in driving through St. Marys at a no kill shelter I saw this one cat that could have been Deoge, if he was a she... however they weren't open so thought I return later. In Bradford my one friend asked me if I wanted to go to the SPCA and I said no. I really wanted to give Ceeto some time.... but were did I end up on my own. Yep... the SPCA... I was looking and suddenly out of nowhere this kitten just looked at me and say hello.... haha.. well you know. She was a Tux, maybe not a perfect one like Deoge.... and it was a she.... I didn't want a female. however this little one just cuddled and was so nice.... (I knew I was being a sucker... as you'll read below that is the one thing I am.... a freaking sucker) after she "nosed" me I was done. Well they let me take her on a medical foster leave at first. And since she was in with the OZ kittens, I decided her name would be Elphaba.... (The Wicked Witch of the West's name in the musical wicked) Cause I knew it would fit her. And I was right.... Well the first weekend I had to go on a trip so I knew it would be Ceeto alone with Tony (who he still hated) with this kitten that confused him.... looked a little like Deoge, but wasn't... he would just hiss at everyone and hide. But I'm glad to say he's liking Elphy more... and even cleans her. But its funny. He now is getting his butt kicked like he tried with Deoge.... He's laughing.... And my biggest thing with Elphy is that Deoge was a stray in Bradford and so was she... So in my mind they are related. Its my story and I'm sticking to it. Gawd I sound like a lesbian.

Tony moved out last week. Why? don't know. He still doesn't have a job, and now he has nowhere to live. But he thinks he'll be ok. But I'm strangely ok with it. I don't feel he purposely used me. However as much as he burned threw all the groceries.... and would forget to do minor things I would ask him. Now he did do somethings... I guess. Sometimes I would have a hard time seeing it. I don't hate him. Actually I guess I would have still tolerated it longer. But overall I'm ok with it. In this case I'm better alone. Actually I already had to raincheck on a booty call already.... so who knows. I guess we are still dating, but I don't see how its a relationship. He hasn't called me specifically, (home phone to leave message) I pretty sure he'll relapse again. But again, I can't control any of that, nor should I.

I think Jay is back to being "LB" We have had some good talks. But then there are alot of times he ignores me. We were suppose to meet up for Thanksgiving, and that didn't work out, and the night before he put me in situation I just felt I was in once before, and so now I'm done. I'm not mad. I only have myself to blame, because I was the one that decided to take the chance. In this day and age talk is cheap. Mom blames all the the above on me not finding someone closer to my age. And she's probably right. However, unfort, I'm only attracted to younger 20ish cute twinks. Its a curse. So... I'm back to not looking or wanting. The booty calls can be good. Esp I know most of those aren't relationship material anyways. But I need to focus on me again. Spoil me and the cats. (Tony actually accused me of that... and I agreed with him) haha....

Maybe I'm a hard person to live with. But I'm the one that is making the money. I'm the one that is paying all the bills, and some of the bills of others..... I have the F***ing right to be the way I am. I won't let anyone take anything away from me anymore... and I haven't for some years.

But yeah, overall this month kinda sucked.

I'm on call next week again, it was my turn to take the fifth weekend .... but it sounds like next weekend I'll be too busy to do anything....

I think Christmas is going to be really bad this year. I'm broke because of the vet bills and the endless stomach.... And my mom wants to go to my sister's fiancee family for Christmas day.... and I'm not up for that at all. Sorry... ain't gonna happen.

Its not a slam against my sister. But... I just don't have that in me.

If I wasn't single maybe... but being single during the holidays bites.

Best,
J