Song in my mind ~ Halo - Keram Malicki-Sanchez

For all good things, must come to an end......

I really hate life (and death) right now. As I kinda blogged about three weeks ago, my best companion in my life, is losing his battle...

Now I know there are alot of people that will not understand this. And somewhat I don't understand my feelings on this either. I have lost both my grandfathers, and one grandmother, and I was more at peace with their passing, as I'm afraid I won't be in the soon to be future. But my beloved Deoge is... well... not doing well....

I have had him for exactly the last fourteen years, and his personality is just nothing but irreplaceable, and just, Deoge..... I have been crying and dreading this unavoidable outcome for the last two months, but if I think back, his battle started about a year ago. I found out today, as I feared for about a week, that he is now totally blind (however, he still knows the house really well) but the last two mornings I have seen him staring off... and he seems confused. For the last two years he's been a total cuddle bud... if I'm on the couch or in bed he is not far from his spot which is between my chest and head. I have been threw alot in the last fourteen years. And he always was by my side. Especially when he knew I was down. If he sensed I was down, he wouldn't leave my side and that was before he became the current cuddle junkie. Sometimes that was the only time he wanted to cuddle in his youth was when he sensed I was down.

He's been nothing short of a prince. He always lays prim and proper. He was just Deoge......

I'm afraid of how Ceeto will take his passing. Ceeto has always been a great number two. Even as much as since Ceeto as taken up making sure Deoge was well licked and groomed, Ceeto is responsible for much less "carpet surprise mounds" in the household.

I feel bad that I'm already planning on how Deoge's final preparations are gonna be. And I'm already looking forward to hopefully finding a new "wee one".... but thats just because if I think about loosing my little buddy anymore, I just cry.

I don't feel like a 35yo adult. I feel like I'm a little kid losing his pet. I'm an adult.... I feel that I should just say oh well..... but I don't. Sadly in my life, Deoge as been the best "companion" I have had on my journey. All this over one very small cat. But, he made EVERYONE happy when they saw him. He has the most perfect Tuxedo markings I even saw on a kitty. All but his little runny nose (a small white mark under his nose).

I hate myself for not finding the "I love Deoge" food dish on Cafe Press till last night, but I was trying to google proof that Deoge is actually Seneca for Cat. Which when I named him was a really just a play on D O G. cause most of my cats prior to that were more dog like..... but not Deoge... he was def the most proper cat a cat can get. Then I thought it was like amazing that it really means cat in Seneca.

It kills me that in the next week or so I will have to choose to give him over to the vet to inject him with meds that will put him to sleep and then to stop his heart. And I hate myself for not knowing if I have the right or not to do that. Because as I see it. Even today I see him fighting the good fight. He's my little Deoge.

I feel its stupid that an adult would feel this way over a cat. However Keram, who wrote and perform the song thats in my mind.... Wrote a song for his cat, and Keram is one of the most talented, positive, knowledgeable, and wise artists I feel is on this Earth. And I can understand why he would write a beautiful song.

I found Deoge on a rainy October Saturday. I was living in a apartment that two year prior I had to give up my cat Tiffany. But as I was living in the garage at this point I felt I could keep him. I remember when he was too little to do more then sleep and eat in the litter box because he couldn't get out of it.... and when he got bigger how he would sit on my shoulder as I worked on the computer back in my "BBS" days. I remember when he loved me and loved visitors. Then loved me and hide if anyone came by. To ignore me and love visitors, then just loving any "ladies" that came around. He's always been a ladies man, however I'm sure Ceeto is gay...

Not to mention. Deoge is the one that told me I snored. In our youth I would not leave him alone. If he hopped up on the bed I had to smother him..... like holding and petting... and there was a time he did not like that at all... so for the longest time he would not hop up on the bed even when I called him. However if I woke up I would find him up there, only to hop down if he saw me reach for him. Now calling did not get him to come up, but one time I made a snoring sound, right away he hopped up.... so right then I figured he knew the only safe time to hop up and not get mauled was when I was asleep and snoring.

Of course I'm sure that if I find a new cat, I'm thinking that it will not be anything like my two now. Deoge and Ceeto have definitely spoiled me in being themselves. The next kitty has very big paws to fill.

And theres a little part of me hopes that I'm able to give another update in a month. However, the vet doesn't think he'll make it a month.

So I'm facing a upcoming life changing event, that I have not felt since Jamie died. (And he was human) How can one little cat change someone like that. I'd take three break ups over this upcoming pain.

I plan on spreading his ashes, one place where I like to boat and bike. One place by my mom's. One place where I believe my father took my first dog, Mac... (if I can ever find the tree I used to sit by when I was a kid, have looked three times and I can't find it.) And I thought it be good to spread a little by our first "house" since I think his family that left him in that little brick nook where I found the most furious kitten 14 years ago.

I always thought he would out live me. Thats just a little to prove, all the tough times he saw me threw. Especially since he did not turn his back on me, when I stopped bringing girls to the apartment, and started bringing boys. However, I think he hopes its still a phase.

For one little cat, I will always have a big hole in my heart for him.

Well, work has been nuts. If I'm not on call I'm in New York City working. I've seen three shows in the last few weeks. Young Frankenstein, Lion King for the second time, and Forbidden Broadway. I have tickets for Spring Awakening (7th time to see it, and they are on stage) I'm doing that since it will be closing in January.

Tony and I are still together, however there are many things that don't bode well. He's been home since Sunday, and we haven't kissed once. Ceeto still doesn't like him, and he does not have a job yet. Which its gonna be tough if he doesn't get one before January, since it will be the slow time at work for me.

Karaoke, well I haven't done that in two weeks. It's been totally dead on Wednesdays. However i will miss the "house" its was amazing system to sing threw... however its no fun if no one sings. I will miss it. However gaining a night back to get stuff done at the house is nice too.

Jay and I are or were still talking. We actually talked for a long bit last Sunday. But he's been AWOL since his phone got shut off. We shall see if I get the new number or not. We have some plans to hang out. However if we don't then I'll know I'm not high on his priority list.

Well thats it. I'm tired after today. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm nuts or lost it. But for 14 years it was always just me and Deoge, against the world. He will always be my little buddy. And for crying out loud people. He had to put up with me for fourteen years. He will be the equalivent of a kitty saint!

j