Song in my mind ~ Those you've known - Spring Awakening

MORITZ
Those you’ve known
And lost, still walk behind you
All alone
They linger till they find you

Without them
The world grows dark around you
And nothing is the same until you know that they have found you

WENDLA
Those you’ve pained
May carry that still with them
All the same
They whisper: “All forgiven.”

Still your heart says
The shadows bring the starlight
And everything you’ve ever been is still there in the dark night

BOTH
When the northern wind blows
The sorrows your heart holds
There are those who still know –
They’re still home
We’re still home

(And This is were I always start bawling in the theatre........)

MELCHIOR (Sung in Counterpart)
Thought you know
You’ve left them far behind
You walk on by yourself, and not with them –

Still you know
They will fill your heart and mind
When they say there’s a way through this

MELCHIOR (Sung Alone)
Those you’ve known
And lost, still walk behind you
All alone
Their song still seems to find you (More crying)

They call you
As if you knew their longing –
They whistle through the lonely wind, the long blue shadows falling

All alone
But still I hear their yearning
Through the dark, the moon, alone there, burning

The stars too
They tell of spring returning –
And summer with another wind that no one yet has known (hope is not loss for me?)

They call me –
Through all things –
Night’s falling
But somehow I go on

You watch me
Just watch me –
I’m calling
From longing

WENDLA & MORITZ
When the northern wind blows
The sorrows your heart’s known –
I believe…

MELCHIOR (Sung in Counterpart)
Still you known
There’s so much more to find –
Another dream, another love you’ll hold

Still you know
To trust your own true mind
On your way – you are not alone
There are those who still know

MELCHIOR (Sung Alone)
Now they’ll walk on my arm through the distant night
And I won’t let them stray from my heart
Through the wind, through the dark, through the winter light
I will read all their dreams to the stars

I’ll walk with them now
I’ll call on their names
I’ll see their thoughts are known

Not gone –
Not gone –
They walk with my heart –
I’ll never let them go

I’ll never let them go
I’ll never let them go
You watch me
Just watch me
I’m calling
I’m calling –
And one day all will know

I was talking to a new friend last night... and he said I needed to let go of Jamie.... I disagreed.

Every time I go to Spring Awakening I watch the above scene, and I cry... its just so powerful... and hits very close to home. In this show the Best Friend (male) Moritz committed suicide because he thought he failed and couldn't go on, and the love interest (female) Wendla died due to a medical procedure gone way bad. And when Melchoir finds out about the later he almost gives up. He wants to give up, the pain is just unbearable. But the two people he loved the most from beyond are able to get him to "Walk on"

During this scene, I see Kathy (Best friend, female) and Jamie (love interest male) doing the same thing to me. So how could I let go? I know they are the ones that help me maintain the strenght to change as I have, and they will not be forgotten.

I keep coming back that I really feel I need to stop blogging. Who cares who I met, what we do, what they do to me thats nice, not so nice, and how I "walk on"... Actually I had to hide all myspace except for the friends. I not sure if my blog has painted me in the good light I thought it should. Do I sound whinnie, or just am?

As I have said in the past, I have made and maintained some really strong friendships.... The new friendship was definitely one of the most interesting straight guys I've met. But thats all I'm going to say.... Its just another friendship that in a parallel world could be the perfect lover... Esp when the line between straight these days is getting hazy, but lately for me I'm meeting people the line is more hazy then ever, but they don't come as close as crossing it. I have two examples, but I'm not going to tell you what they are.... They are friends...

Even the LB was not happy with some of the things I have written about him..... I thought they were the truth, still think most was... But it was to prove to me by myself that he wasn't something, that supposedly made a difference? It hasn't... I'm still sad, and alone... but maybe a little small.. but a horrible person.

Just like this one person I asked to go to NYC for New Years to see spring, because a mutual person in our lives, screw us over, well... I wasn't his type and he choose another guy to start a relationship with. Well that guy cheated on him right before new years? At first I felt "vindicated" see you made a mistake and got hurt. Then I realized that even though I think I'm a good person... that... my feeling on that, to try to get me over being rejected in the first place, I took relief in someone elses pain. Not cool...

Yeah I can blame what others did to me in the past.. I was told last night that what happened to me was horrible, being lied and used like I have been, like I allowed myself to be.

But then again... who's fault is that? I'm gonna to stop blaming the people in the past... because its done.

Do I have the power to move this final step of letting go? I don't know. I have pretty much forgiving the big ones that hurt me... The note to ex for example on this blog.... I do feel I forgiven. But do I forget? At least to the point that it doesn't matter, but don't allow it to happen again?

I'm not sure if I'm that good of a person. I get threw things alot better, I see it on this blog. But still... there's that little part I never let go of. And its literally killing me.

I regret being alone, and my "new" friend doesn't understand why I'm alone. He saw the good parts of me, and wondered out loud why someone hasn't made it theirs... I looked at him and wondered why he didn't take it.. but again he is bottom line straight. And my other friend... he told someone over Christmas he wished he was just a little bit gay.. he wouldn't be alone either. Why do two straight men say this, but gay men ignore, even don't like me?

It confuses the hell out of me... aren't the straight people suppose to be closed minded and bigoted? Not the gays? Why do the straights see the good in me, and not the gays? It doesn't make sense.

The trip to NYC was ok. The company wasn't the most talkative. Of course I blamed myself. However, I believe he found out he is diabetic this week, and he has college woes on his mind. But I still blame at least the age, it was a weird situation. He didn't know me at all... and guess it was to be boring... I didn't want anything more then friends. He would have been my type in the past. But I just didn't feel any longing for anything more. And he has a BF... but in this case, I don't think that matter at all. Things he said, just made it seem it wasn't a issue.

He introduced me to my new musical obsession, Bare.... It would have been the musical I would have written, if I had the talent to write. I don't just say that to say it. I almost want to tell the authors how did they meet me to base some of this on? It just has that feeling. Maybe because for me and many others it hits really close to home. Even a little bit more then Spring does.

But I don't know. There is alot of times I feel I will die soon. It hurts that I'm alone, and probably will be for the rest of my life, just because the more I feel I fix, the more I see I need to fix. I will never accomplish my dream of being a actor. And I really can only blame myself. Just because I haven't done the ultimate risk, as some of my friends wanted me to do. But the rejection I have already face, has made me afraid to risk anymore. Damn them for rejection, but damn me for not rising above it.

But maybe I will... I have rose over enough, more then I already have, more then I thought I could do. But I'm just wondering if even that will crash soon.

What a mess....

but I'm not certain, but I do believe this will be my last post. Until I figure out if its good or bad. Productive or wasted energy. I stand in the last scene of Spring Awakening, knowing I need to "walk on" and to speak for the friends I lost, make them proud of me. Just right now, I'm not sure where the next step will take me.

MELCHIOR (Sung Alone) Now they’ll walk on my arm through the distant night, And I won’t let them stray from my heart, Through the wind, through the dark, through the winter light
I will read all their dreams to the stars!