Song in my Mind ~ I Don't Do Saddness - Spring Awakening

Grrr...

Well, I'm kinda doing a little better.... But I hit a rather low, low, earlier this week. Not really sure why. J2 also known as Jesse had a bit to do with it... but not him personally, but just the whole being alone thing. Two Mondays ago he said he wanted to do dinner and then a movie, (hence this has been planned three times at least now) and when the day comes up he just doesn't respond to txts or anything. A week goes by then he sends me a cute sexy pic, and I think WTF. I started to like the dialog between us, and it was getting pretty regular. But this making plans and not coming threw works my last gay nerve. Well 24 hours after he since the pic he asked if I wasn't talking to him, so I kinda think he knew better.... Then there was talk about talking and that didn't happen... So... I'm done. But I probably should have been done a while ago. But I was hopeing that something would come out of that attempted friendship.

Here I think I changed and it still happens.. I give people to much room to screw with me. However... that could be good.... even after all this I still think that someone could come threw. I don't know. But Tuesday was bad... I got real low and had major headaches. And I even missed a important meeting at work, so that isn't good.

Work... Even though I have had some days off, I feel I'm running myself into the ground. However, one set of days off was going to NYC with Shandon and even though it was fun, it took its toll on me, and last weekend I had off, but I busted my butt in a structure fire burn class with the fire dept, so that wasn't much R&R either.

Not to mention that on Thursday a big storm hit, and total of five fire calls we had. So no wonder I'm tired.

This weekend... haha... I'm oncall from Friday to Saturday, then drive to NYC for a rather busy trip that ends Monday, which I have to drive back right away cause I have a full day on Tuesday... so from now till Tuesday 5pm I'll be non-stop. And so far the phone won't stop ringing so on call is sucky too.

As I said I hit a rather low, low. Lowest since I moved down here. I just wanted it to end. Semi-suicidal... however knowing what it would do to mom... just can't. But jeeze... at least in the love department, give me something. Shandon was tough to do all that with him in nyc and fight those feelings. And Jon, it seems now, seems to be my best friend... my gawd. He just is so special. I'd do anything for him. And he's completely 100% Straight. Why does this happen. But he helps with Karaoke and just is being a really good friend. And he's 21 so its proof that its possible to be we are good friends even with the age gap. And as I see it, if he was indeed gay it would work rather well. But I think thats the point. It seems they don't make that same model of a person in a gay version. But at least I have a great friendship. And he's not dumb. I sure he knows how I feel about him. And hell he takes my harassment well. haha....

So all that is coming together and I'm not the person I was a month or so ago. I'm pretty sure I will bounce out of it. This week however it seems I have been fighting back the tears all the time. But I read one of the blogs I read regularly and it talked about not giving up on hope... so maybe that was good timing. Who knows.

I'm making this a (must be friends) post on myspace... WAY to many lurkers.... wow... And I rather not let the troll and LB have a chance to read it. I'm even thinking on deleting Jesse's match. Who knows...

Oh well.

Its gotta get better. Lets hope
j