Song in my mind ~ Nobody Home - Pink Floyd

"I got electric light,
And I got second sight.
Got amazing powers of observation.
And that is how I know,
When I try to get through,
On the telephone to you,
Therell be nobody home"

Oh shhheeeeeeettttt....

Actually I'm ok. Lets see... this Wednesday after another long session of J2 being MIA, up to Thursday when he was buying his new car and stating I'll love it when I see it... (well I don't really care its just a car) to nothing up to Wednesday... nothing... But then when I asked him if I needed to find a new hairdresser, he replied no that would be immature. Which that responded didn't make sense till I found out threw other people later that night, that he is back with the "horrible ex"... This was the one that we were one uping ourselves back in July when we first met. "You think thats bad he did this...." However I did win that one... hell just read this blog on my ex and you'll know why. Guess they got back together right after I got back from my New England trip. Cause remember the whole New England trip the communication was pretty good. And right before that in a drunk stupor he was saying how he wanted to find someone that has goals and all that rubbish... Well, just like any cute gay boy, he'll throw it all out on another cute boy. In fact I don't know the ex... and I would have to say I'm starting to think he's not that bad at all. My one friend likes him alot so I don't think the problem is there. But from what I know, the ex knows about me so at least he knows whats he is getting into. And they were together for two years total. But before I knew that I already figured as much...

So i went home to Bradford.

I was looking for something.. if you know what I mean... However with the one it happened with I wasn't really looking, but just wanted to start something.. and we did start something...haha.. however even though he set the pace.... I think the whole thing scared him. "T" is very cute, a blondie, into music (well hard hard rock) but musically inclined... Holding him was completely amazing.. and other things was just as good. He's a little hyper, and not focused as I think I might need. But then I was able to calm him a little... haha... But at least it was a possibility. But he seems to be be distracted now.

And then one of my distractions called a week later... and well... yeah.... but the weird thing was I really wasn't into it. Even though "T" and I aren't dating yet, its the closest I've come to cheat on someone. And I know now I should have just avoided it. But damn I'm 34.. the naked opportunities don't come that often....

"T" is looking to move back with mom, and isn't out... and I don't see him being as interested in me anymore. The last time we saw each other he only hugged me, no kiss or anything. And being Catholic I'll blame it one me not being able to say no to Str8/now bi boi #2 that last time. I do believe karma will get even with you.

So I'm back to being just me and the boys (Ceeto and Deoge) Maybe "T" may come back around.

But I don't regret it. it was nice being held for the brief moment.

Of course all this made me break down and check on the LB and the Black Hole of Humanity. And guess what... only took three years... but BHOH got LB to finally accept a Friend add on myspace... and of course he's number 2 right after his 24yo roommate/bf (even though the horny BHOH says he's single) and the 24yo is actually 30. Remember their love of the younger boy.... *PUKE* Oh well.. Good for you BHOH. I guess if I ruined my life to have a permanent felony on my record cause I couldn't wait, you must be glad to have kept that "now low life as well" in your life... five years later. Good to have goals. How about that GED? haha

However... I keep blogging about wanting to talk to the BHOH... but I think I'll just write my letter here... And it goes to him and the other arses out there that made me stronger and wiser.

To my ex.

I did love you. I did hate you. But right now I just feel for you. Cause I know you still lost a good thing, maybe the best thing you ever had, even though you might never realize it.

When you left I was in debt and in job I hated.

Now I have a great job,
I have a brand new 2008 Toyota Tacoma
I own a boat
I owe less then $3000
I run my biz just for fun
I always have and still do have the truest of friends that stick around, and are there for me. Why does yours change alot?
I'm happy even though I don't have someone... i don't need anyone like you do. If you lived on your own could you afford a car and a residence?

I make my total living by legal means. Do you?

I go on many trips on both biz and personal pleasure?

I'm averaging 6 Broadway shows a year. My #1 self indulgence.

Do you still complain about living in a sh** hole town? that I didn't mind when I live there, and only moved to better myself.

I am sorry for hurting you if I did... I'm sorry for things I done to you that you might not know of and the ones you do. I did not have that right, but I acted out of hurt.

Except for that one thing, it needed to be said, to protect that neighborhood.

I have to be sorry for the wrongs I did do, And I am sorry, cause I feel I still got the better end of the break up, and I have to grateful for the best thing you did do for me. You left.

Thank you,
J