Song in my mind ~ 2011, Buh-Bye!

Well here it is again.  Another year has flown by.  At least I didn't have a swimming pool in the basement of the house this year....

Let's see...  Work is work.  However my "Boss Boss" well she is loosing her fight with the big "C"...  and I have been thinking about that a lot.  I feel bad that someone that is good at what she does, and has a loving husband, and well...  a lot of people owe it to her for helping the company right at the moment we needed it.  I feel really stupid, that when you think about it, I'm not living up to my highest level, and wouldn't care less, if moved on...  In a way that is plain horrible.  But I do feel ok with it.  I did alot with my life.  But I can't seem to be the "size" I was ten years ago.  And a big part of my doesn't want to.  I don't want to be a slut again, and well..  If someone can see threw the blubber and see someone worth more then a six pack...  well.. I'm torn.  Screw you... but then I wonder if I'm not that big of a prize.  A I hope your around a while as long as your not in pain.  I'm sorry that my prayers and wishful hoping wasn't enough.  You don't deserve to be sick. 

And of course I'm torn.  I would like to visit.  But since Grampa Z, I just have a hard time doing the correct thing, and knowing what to say.

Well for Christmas, me, sis and the rents went to Florida to visit my Aunt that I never get to see, and her family that I really never knew.  Very good people.  However, I got sick and tired of feeling like a overgrown kid with my parents.  The step father is a good person don't get me wrong.  But he watches sports 24 7 and basically pouts if he can't.  He was rude to people on the flight down for no reason... and when I say rude its a understatement.  I have to bite my lip, tongue and basically everything.  He can't drive, (well) and well other things can only be the way he sees it.  He thinks I'm always wrong, and well...  sister is always right and well we know thats not correct.  She is no angel, as I am not.  But I'm sick of tired of being treated poorly, and not being able to say my peace.  And mom... I love her... everyone knows that.  But her and stepdad are moving and well... she was in a 100% mood because of that.  So she was very temperamental... and to keep peace she kept throwing me under the bus.  I was mad that in a few years they are moving to FL..  and I hate that because I would rarely see her.  But as this trip pointed out.  I can't be the real me...  because everyone wants to pick at me about it.  Again maybe its me...  However more and more I don't think so.  Yeah I'm very opinionated.... but I sense its more about being gay, and that its still some what a issue.  So maybe its best.  I'm def starting to just crave to be home with the cats alone.  But its relatively stress free these days..  And lately I can't or don't want to handle stress..

But overall the trip went exactly how I thought it would go.  I wasn't going down with any grander ideas...  I had a firm belief on how it would play out.  So again, I'm not thinking it not me... def not a majority of it.  Sister just pisses me off, because she's become a very "me" person. Oh well...  enough bitching about.  It is what it is.  For the last three years I have been content in knowing I'm alone, will always be alone, and well...  I was told that how I had to look at it.  I'm sorry if I'm starting to believe and not being able to deal with peoples shit as well as I used to.  Bottom line, I really really really should have rented a car.  It would have been much more a vacation.  At least my "have to explore" vacation.  I didn't feel comfortable taking a car from the family.  But even with the negative, spending time with my Aunt and her family.... it was worth it.

Well...  can't really report too much on people I shouldn't be reporting about.   Their lives seem to be progressing, and well... more I think of that old shit...  stupid I get...  but if anything juicy happens I will let you know.

Well I have my usual ski group (same one as last year and three years ago)...  they really wanted me to take them again (see someone actually PREFERS me... haha) well it will be nice.  Again this is a great group... and well if I wasn't soooooo old and fat...  I might get lucky...  naw.. doubt it... however this group again gives me hope...  I'm going to have a "sick:" hotel room...   (sick = good)... and I'm not under the weather...  So it should be a good week.  however we are coming home sooner then normal so I won't be able to ski the last day... however.. beggars can't be choosers...and well.. its going to be bit of a vacation I didn't get last week.. haha.

2012 better be better!!!

J