song in my mind ~ For now - Avenue Q

well least its a small improvement from last post.. haha.. Yeah.. things suck... for now.. but just for now.... which is ok.

I finally made it back down to Altoona for Gay Karaoke night on Thursday. The bartender from last time, and his straight hot brother that was hanging on me all night was not there. nor is it expected ... Well this time I starting talking to this very hot Syd. He even put a song in for me to sing, "If your gone" Matchbox 20. He and I chatted, and we talked about lables, as he said he wasn't into that... which I felt it meant he wasn't gay... but who knows.. I gave him my number, its up to him if he ever calls... Like I said... I just don't care anymore... I know its their loss...

Well the weekend was busy... I had a two day trip stretched to four then back to three.

Saturday was ok... other then every freaken interstate in this damn state was closed, so I had to go the PA turnpike to get to NYC... which is about 1.5 hours longer.. if not longer... but least traffic was ok...

Got into the city at 7pm... Sushi was good.. they always remember me.. wow how great is that... one of the busiest sushi joints in NYC and they remember my order even after a few months... and then they gave me my desert (green tea ice cream) for free... which makes me feel special. Then I bought something that needed batteries at a shop there and bought the batteries there as well, but noticed the batteries didn't get into the bag until I was at the Port Authority. Grrr....

Then at the hotel, both internet and my mapping program didn't want to work.. ok.. piss me off.. and not much sleep due to the computer problems.

Sunday.. picked up the group, and it was a short trip for once with this group... bought a briefcase that I didn't really need, that didn't really help me much.. Well then we took the most eastern portion of Route 17 in NY that I was never on, and it was very pretty.. so it got a little better.. Good free food... again at the hotel at Cortland, which has some meaning of my days in the showband back in 1991. But.... internet wouldn't work... now I'm thinking new laptop... grrrr.....

Monday we drove to this very little ski resort, I could have skied for free, but I didn't have gloves or a hat, or snow pants.. because I decided not to bring these cause usually this certain tour would make it HARD to do anything fun... haha.. Well it was ok, and I was ok with it cause I really wasn't missing anything.

We left there, and booked back to NYC, dropped off the group and AGAIN (like the second time this year) I took a wrong turn in Flushing Queens, and I had to do a Uey some where.. haha.. just annoyed more then anything else... I should have remembered... Well booked it home and got home within hours... Thinking I could make it to a meeting that was canceled this morning, just to be able to make it to another meeting. But over all .. I got some extra hours, and the tip on this trip was about 50% more then I thought I get... so... Over all not a bad weekend. Left Saturday, and got home after helping at bingo at 10pm... The cats missed me, and I check the laptop. Internet is now working fine. And I took out the CD rom and replaced it with a spare one I had.. so the mapping program is working now...

So now I'm going to bed... I'm beat... haha... nite.

j

ps.. re reading this I'm even confused... I need to quit blogging when I'm half asleep... Does it add to the entertainment??? let me know.. haha...

Song in my mind ~ You can close your eyes - James Taylor

I shouldn't be even up typing this. Its been a long week plus 4... Good news I got the chores I wanted done tonight. Bills are up to date and some are paid off.. this is good. I gonna be honest, depression is creeping in... and I'm losing some ground. Tonight I cried when I saw this one myspace account about a mom losing her one son, I cried tonight after my friend Rose sent me a bookmark about "when I'm older cat"... And it reminds me of the fact that sooner then later I'm gonna lose a friend that has been with me for longer then anyone in my life other then my mom... Deoge.. my black tux cat... he's just getting old... he's 13.. and he has always been my skinny cat... and well.. he's just gettin up there.

I hate that the job has taken a stumble... not too bad... if I look at it realistically, but... I stand by my intentions, and any regrets are few... I have three really good friends and co workers.... So its still the best job I have ever had... but sometimes things happen, that don't totally make sense... and well... it gets stressful.

I have had three horrible first or blind dates... and which I keep saying I don't want a relationship... but then I again who the hell am I fooling. So I hate that I'm single...

I hate that the savage keeps calling collect, and I just ignore it. There will never be anything but trouble there... but I'm confused why he keeps calling... You screwed me over... and thats it. I do feel little uncomfortable that maybe I might be the last hope for him or the last person he thinks he can take... but I'm not allowing it. I almost would rather talk to the black hole.

I hate that the feelings of ending it are creeping up... again.. I did pretty good for a year... and for the most part I have been honest in these blogs.. however I have chose to ignore some of the down times and attempt to focus on the positive things. But its getting hard, when I keep coming back to that the job is mostly all I have.

I hate that it seems the evil ones, (Black hole and LB) are cruising threw life without any regrets.. where I have basically never did anything really wrong, and I have to fight those feelings of regrets, that on any given day I can say that they aren't really regrets.

I know I'm not making sense ... I need to go to bed. Just not sure if the old J is coming back.

However this thought just came up again. I need to hold on to this.

I want a relationship, the evil ones, (LB, Black Hole, savage)they NEED the relationship/people to use, just to survive.

Hell I'm so much better money wise then I have ever been. I have never been a year away of just being able to walk away from work, and go back to school.... and I'm there. I just wish God would send me someone that I can relate to and won't f%#@ me over...

And I hope I shake this.. I've come to far to let this depression get me. again...

I guess with tommorrow being Valentine's day, I'm allow to get a little pissy over being alone? oh well...

Song in my mind ~ This is the moment - Jeykle and Hyde

song is playing on internet radio... I'm too tired to have anything else in my mind. Things have been interesting... and somethings just piss me off. There is a situation at work right now that is just pissing me right off... I'm not in trouble, but just the same, a wrong must be righted, and now its delayed. enough of that.

Alot going on... last night alone while I was sleeping I was contacted by Justin, Cory, Sarah (saying something about her BF that is just WRONG haha... well least the way I'm taking it.. haha) Then I have a Chris calling me that is a far distance away that due to age we could be compatible, but in other ways I'm not sold yet. Then I have a local young one... (legal) but young... talking to me.... I think everyone read this blog and where I wasn't looking.. haha... But with me I'm focusing on friendship first, and see what happends... Cause I'm not going out on a limb for NO ONE. I don't want just a relationship... I want a relationship that won't drive me crazy... Maybe that should have been the song in my mind..... Cause don't forget...even though I have been without since Sept... sooner or later Bi-boi 1 or Strait boy 2 and my schedules are going work.. haha... esp when bi-boi got his car fixed. I don't want stress anymore... and won't allow it. Sorry to any of the guys that are looking for more with me... but I'm going to be picky for once... I have to... I've learned too many lessons so far.

Sarah, ... she says her BF needs thousand dollars... and right away my filthy mind went to that movie with Robert Redford... haha... but I don't think he's that good.. but I refrained from being bad. so far haha... What a twist on that movie this could be... haha.. but we are going down from a million, to a thousand... well its Sabula, and we are all cheap.. haha....

Oh well... just thought I say something since this is my on call weekend... Friday was bad, Saturday was worse... we are slow today so I hope people behave.

The young one was talking about stopping over tonight.... I doubt it... he's still to scared... and his age (although legal) concerns me. Gawd I must be getting old. haha...

j