Song in my mind ~ You can close your eyes - James Taylor

I shouldn't be even up typing this. Its been a long week plus 4... Good news I got the chores I wanted done tonight. Bills are up to date and some are paid off.. this is good. I gonna be honest, depression is creeping in... and I'm losing some ground. Tonight I cried when I saw this one myspace account about a mom losing her one son, I cried tonight after my friend Rose sent me a bookmark about "when I'm older cat"... And it reminds me of the fact that sooner then later I'm gonna lose a friend that has been with me for longer then anyone in my life other then my mom... Deoge.. my black tux cat... he's just getting old... he's 13.. and he has always been my skinny cat... and well.. he's just gettin up there.

I hate that the job has taken a stumble... not too bad... if I look at it realistically, but... I stand by my intentions, and any regrets are few... I have three really good friends and co workers.... So its still the best job I have ever had... but sometimes things happen, that don't totally make sense... and well... it gets stressful.

I have had three horrible first or blind dates... and which I keep saying I don't want a relationship... but then I again who the hell am I fooling. So I hate that I'm single...

I hate that the savage keeps calling collect, and I just ignore it. There will never be anything but trouble there... but I'm confused why he keeps calling... You screwed me over... and thats it. I do feel little uncomfortable that maybe I might be the last hope for him or the last person he thinks he can take... but I'm not allowing it. I almost would rather talk to the black hole.

I hate that the feelings of ending it are creeping up... again.. I did pretty good for a year... and for the most part I have been honest in these blogs.. however I have chose to ignore some of the down times and attempt to focus on the positive things. But its getting hard, when I keep coming back to that the job is mostly all I have.

I hate that it seems the evil ones, (Black hole and LB) are cruising threw life without any regrets.. where I have basically never did anything really wrong, and I have to fight those feelings of regrets, that on any given day I can say that they aren't really regrets.

I know I'm not making sense ... I need to go to bed. Just not sure if the old J is coming back.

However this thought just came up again. I need to hold on to this.

I want a relationship, the evil ones, (LB, Black Hole, savage)they NEED the relationship/people to use, just to survive.

Hell I'm so much better money wise then I have ever been. I have never been a year away of just being able to walk away from work, and go back to school.... and I'm there. I just wish God would send me someone that I can relate to and won't f%#@ me over...

And I hope I shake this.. I've come to far to let this depression get me. again...

I guess with tommorrow being Valentine's day, I'm allow to get a little pissy over being alone? oh well...