Song in my mind ~ Will I lose my dignity - Rent!

Will I lose my dignity, will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow, from this nightmare?

Thats been in my head since early Dec 24th.

Welcome too the 100th post (on the official site, not myspace).... wow I do ramble.

And funny... its gonna sound familiar... haha

Its funny I was watching a bunch of Dr. Who's and Torchwood this week catching up on the DVR.... and the term. Lonely Angel was used. I thought it fit.

This week alone I pulled a older lady out of a ditch in my car... and she asked me if I wanted anything for my trouble, and me being in the Christmas mood, (which if you saw my myspace or personally hear me ramble in real life, you would have thought I was the official Grinch this year... But I said nope. Then she made the comment that it was sad that her pastor drove by with a truck and didn't offer... that it was a stranger that stoped. (she wasn't stranded or anything, she just got into a ditch in her drive way... But I was moved to help her with it. That goes into me helping that mother and daughter on 80 near bloomsburg in August on my way to NYC for Spring Awakening trip two... and all I got out of that was some VERY good maple syrup. haha.. But overall it made me fill good. That even with all the shit I've been threw, if given the chance, I will be "the lonely angel"...

So even though a year ago I was rejoicing in the downfall of the biggest three that screwed me over in the recent past... and I haven't heard a word of any of that... if anything them and the one I bitched about this year... well in fact I guess they are all doing well. On the surface happier then me, cause they are all dating. OH well....

Christmas went well... family for the most part behaved. No arguments, and seems sis and I are ok, (took two years from the whole washer incident) But things are improving there all around, everyone seemed to mature.... My favorite memory was getting coffee this morning for my step grandma.... There wasn't any instant coffee and she was trying to live with tea, well... dealing with the family I knew she needed coffee.. haha.. and my credo I shall pass thur this place in time once, any good that can be done, I shall do it.

I felt the lonely part of my new title. Im still in love with a straight guy who is a close friend. Who was feeling the lonely thing too. He even went to say to someone that he wished he could be just the little bit gay, at least he wouldn't be alone this Christmas. What a comic joke that is.. haha... Cute my type, and no alchol in the world will change that he's straight... haha Unlike the others I have chatted about recently... haha... heard from him too... so a repeat visit might happen in the next two years.. haha...

Oh well.. I'm tired and have to work. Looking forward to less then a week to two days in New York City to see Spring Awakening, alas my Johnny G left the show, but it will be a new show for me... least a new character take... And I'm going with a cute twink that I have never met face to face... But, I had to do something will J2's ticket, and well.. he never saw it, so what the hey.. And I take him with the knowledge that about a month ago he got a hunny... so nothing will happen. Which I didn't expect anything would, and told him I wouldn't.. Same type trip as with Shandon.. haha.. still there was that little fairy tale in the back of my mind.. haha.. least he's taken... better then the other rejection. haha

Goodnight.
j

Song in my mind ~ If I had a rocket launcher - Bruce Cockburn

I guess I only think of that song when I'm stressed.

Bad things...

One I can't mention cause I'm done. I'm pissed that I even looked for info... its over, past, I need to move on, he's stupid. And things are working out for other people, and I wish I could be happy, but I have been the biggest byitch over it.

I really don't like the holidays coming up. Why. Cause once again I'm alone, things are changing in my life and I don't think I like them.. Then I'm probably better off alone.

Esp when I keep buying toys. I've improved some of my band and karaoke light show, something I don't really need... but I WANTED IT!!! HAHA...

Work has been ok. However its been really busy. So.. I'm always tired.

And something I haven't been saying on here. And I don't know why it happends, as I have been trying to focus on is that my life is generally pretty good. But with the ALONE monster definetly gaining groud, I'm just not happy with my life. I'm not sucidal, however, I guess right now I wouldn't mind too much if I was told I was gonna die soon. Which is very ungrateful. I have it really good, I shouldn't complain about my life. But I still can't get over the point, I feel its useless if you don't have someone to share it with.

Deoge is doing well after the trip to the vet. I'm not sure if he's eating enough so I have to sneak him some of "the good stuff", but that pisses off the fat cat.. haha oh well... Ceeto plays dumb, but not when I'm trying to get deoge something that he won't necesary hog it down, but deoge needs it more then he does... amazing... haha and kinda funny too.

Well as it stands, the person that will use my second Spring Awakening ticket, is a cute boy from Western PA thats going to school in Cleveland. He's just as big of a Broadway hoe as me... which is saying alot, so I thought it be fun. Just as friends... however I have to reassure him that I'm for real, and even had to scan the tickets to show him. But with him not knowing me from Adam, and such, it is damn wierd to say the least on both sides, so I can understand him being cautious.. and I have the same feelings. He's really busy, so when I txt him I don't always get a reply... so that makes me worry a bit as well...

I do have to be careful, I told him to read my blog to see that I'm really for real adn that after being hurt, the last thing I could do is hurt someone. But Ray, you got the full truth here..

So we have a month till the show!!!! and the Strike is OVER!!!!!!!!!!! YAY......

Oh well on call has been hell so far.. so I need to get a shower and sleep.

till next time,
j