Friday, July 29, 2005

Music in my mind ~ Elevator Music unfort


This week hasn't been the greatest.

With the lack of sleep I shouldn't be writing this now. But... After then I'm attempting to make it to Buffalo for a Sushi run. And then maybe Jamestown. I want a life... And this double weekday karaoke in kicking my butt.

Well. Thursday morning I get another kick in the gut from the Bradford Era. The last post talked about my friend Eric losing his dad two weeks ago. Well during dinner we talked about how his father's father decided to maybe partake in heart surgery, which he was originally against. I thought maybe he was stepping up to the plate to help Eric and his sister.... And Clyde. (the dog) Bridget is going to have a baby so I it was a nice thing to see grandpa thinking to fight. But unfort he committed suicide Wednesday morning. Two weeks after his son (Eric's dad) died.

Once again I called Eric to say how sadden I was about his lost. And I went further to say that I have cared about him for fourteen years, and if there was anything I could do to make this nightmare go away, I would. But again I didn't get a return call.... So I don't know... I know the last statement was "I don't know"... But damnit I do really feel alot for him. And it really sucks that he is experiencing suck horrible things. Even more horrible then I would wish on the Troll. And thats alot.

But then one of the things I wonder about when I feel I'm on a streak of bad luck I wonder if I did something horrible and karma is getting me back. But no. Eric is not a bad person at all. Few dumb mistakes every now and again. As me.... But he could never do anything to desevre this. So its back to bad things happen to good people.

Well its WAS suppose to be a good day today for me. But if you been reading this, I gave up that hope pretty much in January. Its been a year since I have been really really close to suicide. And although the reason I held one a year ago is more a liability then a asset... I'm ok with that. Don't care what happends with that person.. And kinda hope he does move like he said he was thinking of. His loss. And I believe that. I'm glad that Eric has Peter to help him. Thats what a relationship is for. Thats why I want one. But also the reason why I'm not in one. There hasn't been any compatible ones out there... That I think would be

So today is a me day.... Treating myself to sushi... And don't give a rats ass about the LB or the Troll... (or CJ if I have renamed him on this yet.)

But I had to get it off my chest. And it feels good.

Best,
J

PS. The picture above is about two Iranian youths that were murder by the Iranian courts because they did homosexual acts. Yes, I'm outraged over this. Yes its wrong. But a part of me, thinks that it might have been for the best. There's nothing wrong with being gay. But it does seem if you don't want to a slut, and want a meaningful relationship with a purpose. That it will be more painful then anything... And in a country like that. Least they aren't in pain for being who they are. And hopefully their death wont be in vain.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Song in my Mind ~ The Living Years - Mike and the Mechs

Well the last week has been full of ups and downs.

It started last Friday by me reading in the era that Eric's dad passed away. Eric has been a crush before I even knew I was gay. Something always drawn me to him.... even when I loved to hate him. He was and will aways be good at acting dance and song. And in my early years I looked at him for my rival, and in turn he helped me to achieve the level of my talent. One of the only ones in Bradford, one of the few in the area that I was able to learn something from. Its been over three years when his mom passed. I felt horrible then.... but back then I still felt I was evil in my "caring" about him, so only some of my sheet music was present.

Later that day Lisa and I went to Pittsburgh to get Jared.... well.. Jared is Jared.

Enter Scott from a few months back. He's been looking for me. Don't know how he keeps losing my number.. but he's been seen on the porch, and Lisa and Jared met him while I was doing a Family Reunion Karaoke.

Well on Tuesday I attended his Eric dad's funeral.. and with my distaste of funerals that a big thing. He seemed genuinely happy that I was there for him and his sister that I went to school with. We made a dinner date to catch up tomorrow.

After the funeral I with over to my friend's store and walk dead into the Troll and his "whatever". They left as soon as they saw me. Reminded me of Cockroaches scattering when you turn the light on. (well at least in the movies I've seen) I just reminded the whatever that he still hasn't registered his vechical that expired in March. And it seems he still has a NC drivers lic. So he's illegal in every sense. And thanked him for buying the troll the red car for him able to do illegal things with minors with. They just left... like they knew they couldn't respond.

Well a bit later from that I met Chris from Bradford. We left the store and did ice cream and then came to my house to get to know each other better. Not sure where or how this is well work out. Not much sleep tues to weds...

Dinner with Eric was nice. He was HOT. His Tshirt was just tight enough for me to see what I would like to see... more of... hehe. Winter in NYC he wasn't dressed that light... so .... oh well... we talked about alot of stuff. He opened up to me about some things that kinda shocked me. But that was in the past... he's doing great now.. even with the overbearing crush that losing both parents at such a young age. He's very happy with Peter back in the city. They are moving in together in August. And it don't seem that I'll see him the weekend in sept I'm spending in the city. He's got a time share that weekend out on Fire Island. But someday... I hope that maybe I can tell him how I really feel.

Karaoke sucked at Charlies Wed.. so got a extra hour of sleep. Which is good because I got hired at 2:30pm on thurs to do karaoke that night for The Red Garter... which is a GREAT gig to get. Two hours of sleep to work on for Friday. Came home passed out. Worked Sat... Chris visited again.. and now .... Talking to str8 boi number 2... BYE!!! hehe

Best,
j

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Music in my Mind ~ Sucks to be Me - AveQ the Musical

Well this weekend kinda sucked in overall mode.

The Lesbians never showed.

I drove all the way to DuBois to work on the 4th.... and then ended up being canceled and only got paid for 3 hours.... (Which entails... woke up at 1am to leave Bradford at 2:30am.... got to Dubois at 4am... left DuBois at 4:45a got canceled at 6:15am left for home at 7:15am)

Got back to Bradford at 9am... decided to go to Darien Lake and left at 9:30am.
Got there at 11am. Did the water rides till 1pm and left for home at 6:15pm. Highlights... did the new tornado... it was fun... and did the slingshot for the first time when I left. The lines where really light... and of course the day would have been perfect if I had someone to share it with. Oh well. To bad... Their loss. But... time is running out. I can't keep feeling these feelings.

Best,
J

Friday, July 01, 2005

Song in my mind ~ Sunrise - Nora Jones

Song is just in my mind..... has no reason....

I feeling like I'm under some major black cloud. Started last Friday. I rear ended someone in St. Marys with my old true Geo. Evasive action and all I couldn't avoid it. Well I have good insurance and one free accident. And no one got hurt. The Geo is hurt... but functioning.... oh well..

Then the mild slip back into depression... which has caused me to do minor things that I shouldn't have. (nothing illegal... just unhealthy for me) And my truck at work broke down twice in one day.... and then again the next.... all different things.... and I hate that job enough without having my personal truck..... And I didn't want to go to work today....... WELL.... going to work I was stopped behind a semi and I looked in my rear view mirror.... and I knew it was going to hurt. I full sized pickup truck... did the same thing I did a week ago... looked away for a second and bang...... I saw it coming and braced.... EVERYTHING in the coin tray and the everything tray came flying out... and well.... no air bag... (not that it would happen in a rear end) got out.... and nothing. The Geo withstood a full size pickup..... and his bumper was bent minorly.... NOW.... what the hell... I could have made enough money to get the front fixed..... but no.... Oh well... Vic got off lucky... wish I could have been that lucky a week ago.... Anyway if Vic would have done anything to the Geo they would have totalled it. Its not worth anything in the eyes of a insurance company. Just by the grace of one good choice in my life I have a 91 Geo Storm with 230,000 miles on it thats being threw everything... OH well.... Kinda worried about going to Buffalo... Its either got to be a semi or a metor with my name on it next... and it comes in threes and so far I only got 2. hehe...

Side note... my favorite lesbian couple from Mississippi (New Orleans area) are coming up for the holiday.... Haven't seen them since I flew down there in Feb. To bad they didn't bring up any cuties for me with them... (well they did.. but too young and I ain't the Troll.... which is also renamed to CJ Chester James. hehe...) But oh well...

It will be fun as long as I stay away from the Tongues....

Best,
J