Song in my mind ~ Say Something - A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye
Yeah I'm on call again, and boy its been kicking my ass. I was on call in beginning of February, it was super bowl weekend, so I was busy... and well my life has been boring mostly. During super bowl, I got caught up with the stupidness that is of the fire dept I left last fall, because of the bullshit move this arse did, who I have not had respect for, for sometime. For a brief time I quit the other fire dept because I lost my line officer position... well that worked itself out. The one guy I was actually defending asked me to reconsider, and I did... However in March it kinda worked out because I actually moved into a higher officer position because of health problems of another member. And of course you guys know I'm sad that it happened that way... but at least me getting over my pouting in losing the first one, and just focusing on just helping the people and not the rank got me a rank. Of course I had to buy some new toys with the new position is now in fact I'm able to run red light and siren with my new position. However the ten calls we have a year... haha I'm pretty sure the red light fever won't be a problem esp probably half of those I'll have to respond in the "work" vehicle, which I only have a blue light installed, that legally I shouldn't have that...
So try to update all that is happened.
The dude that was a bit kinky never happened again... I guess he found something better.. which ok. I really really enjoy the "xmas present" I bought myself. It would be a lot better if I had a partner to play with.. oh well. Lost contact with the cute hotel engineer so no more room service.
I'm now on anti-depression meds. As for those meds.. I found one with no side effects. I have more side effects with my high blood pressure meds... So, and well, I'm actually doing quite well. People have noticed a big change with me.. and well I handle the stress a bit better. Which hopefully less stress will bring my BP down.
I was able to get some skiing in. However the last time I skied I got injured really bad. I ripped or cut a good chunk of my calf. And I was working at the time so I was greatly concerned, but I was able to do all that I had to do. I took my boots to NYC because I firmly believe the injury came out of me skiing differently and incorrectly because the boots are still a bit of a medieval torture devices. So got them tweaked a bit so we will see next year. And yeah the injury had nothing to do with the fact I'm getting old.
So February was kinda not eventful. March started out betterish. Work as usual gets really really busy.. And I got a group again, that might have not liked me as much back in 2007. Well I was younger then, and well I may have been mistaken for being too friendly. However I met someone that was in the group the year after and it might have had nothing to do with me that they used a different company, and actually that time a year later I ran into one of the kids that were on the group prior, and he told me that he heard of no... uncomfortableness... so it could have been nothing I did wrong.
Well this year... within a few days, and this was the first... I wonder when it would happen, since there is always gays on this trip (hence I thought maybe the first group a few might have thought I was too friendly)... they found me on grindr... which was ok... I helped a lot on the sound system side of things and tearing down and setting up... and well they seemed to like and appreciate it all. By the time we got to New Orleans they wanted me to go out with them and they wanted to get me drunk. (but not for the reason, some would think.. haha.. I don't think they would have ever needed to get me drunk for that). But since where we were staying taxi's didn't want to come to... I ended taking them to Bourbon St... which made it so I couldn't drink at all. I ended up feeling like I was a body guard, esp for this one younger dude, that probably shouldn't have gotten into the gay bar, which was only the second time that happened with a group (that time with the group leaders... haha) and well he probably shouldn't have been given drinks by all these old queens that saw fresh meat. Other then not being able to stay till wee hours as I had to make sure we could do what they wanted to do the next day without going over hours... We all seemed to have fun. Other things that happen, the hot latino drop trow, to get a shirt... I tried not to look out of respect... tried... Same one dropped his phone into a puddle on Bourbon St.. and proceeded to suck the water out... I almost puked... just like NYC the CDC strongly recommends not to even touch the streets in those towns... (said phone got dropped in wine the next day and it still worked... amazing) Not sure if he got the black plague though over the sucking the puddle water out.
But yeah there one or two of those college kids I was hoping would have daddy issues.. but thankfully none did. Right at the end I was thinking one of them was suggesting a "date" but then he turned his suggestion into it being a possible "group get together" dinner which would be fun as well. I learned about this game Werewolf... first game I was a Werewolf and the Werewolf's won.. the second game I was the "town slut" and we lost.. haha I'm pretty sure I will transport this group next year, and I might be more involved in the planning so maybe we can get better hotels when they need them at the same price with hotels they we were getting that came with razor wire around the properties...
Also that same group kinda went all out to make my birthday special... They made me a bus buddy sign, got me a cupcake, then sang me happy birthday.. which since they were a singing group I demanded harmonies at the end.. haha.. Defiantly made the birthday better, as I was mostly stranded at a repair garage because I was having some issues with the bus, and lost out being able to see Charleston SC... Oh well... these kids were really special.. And I of course had withdrawal after the trip, as I was having just as much fun as them. They even sent me a wesie (sic) which is a selfie with more then one person the next week saying they were out celebrating another ones birthday and they wished I was there.. I was very touched and really wish I was there... as I was with a Orthodox Teeny Catholic group (which was nice) but well.. It wasn't the other group! :-)
Also for my birthday, I was able to get a new truck. Still a least but its a double cab now, and a V6... very spiffy.
Now as for the song of my mind.... hmm... Just like last year a lot came around on my birthday. Not as horrible as last year... But I heard "say something" on Sirius as I was trekking from New Orleans to Jacksonville FL. Which of course I thought about Shawn the whole trip because he now lives in Florida. (have I told you I hate Florida before?) And that song basically fits everything I feel about him. Again that is a song I would have wrote, if I could write music. Well at least the words. Now just recently, I had a experience I thought about someone and then the phone rang.. well maybe me thinking about Shawn well driving through Florida (which I really really hate Florida BTW) But he ended up contacting me on my birthday. Now even when we were closer the year before he ignored my birthday.. As I ignored his this year. He was short and to the point. I was a bit snarky... Like one of my first responses was "do you have a girlfriend yet?" He reply no on either... He thanked me that it was me that helped give him the courage to leave the "hell house". He has a few jobs and still going to school... which is very admirable. And he has or is in a apartment. Not if he is alone or with family/roomates.. Well overall plain and short I should be exteremly happy for him. If you truly "love" someone even if you may never see each other again (as my irrational hatred of Florida made me snark-ly told him I hate Florida and even with my mom moving down there I will never purposely visit there.) you should be happy if they are doing well. He wants to be friends, I told him I will try, but if it becomes too painful on my side, I will let him know and cease contact. Now I haven't heard anything more from him. And well... I know in the past he usually feels I that I should start the next contact, as he did the last one. Now even back when we broke up, I told him why I don't start the convos. He broke up with me, and me starting contact either makes me look desperate, or a stalker. Then again my snarkyness why would he want to talk to me. But overall, since he is (again I think because I have painted a lot of different pictures in my mind of him, to try to explain the rejection and stories that don't really add up in my mind) very nice, good looking, and likes older guys, and well there are a lot more of the older guys that likes younger, then the younger ones with daddy wants... or even if he finds a girl and has a family. He will undoubtedly find people that want him in their life, at least in the sexual kind of love kind. And well more and more I don't think I will find it for myself. Guess we shall see. But it is kinda funny, that he in fact did "say something..." But BTW do you how much I hate the state of Florida? (Well there goes my Florida readers! haha)
Well, I have had a few interests... One is young, cute enough, but his voice, and well maybe his breath are a big turn off. Its one of those voices that cut through you. And when we met, his hair was disheveled, and I really thought I got a shot of his breath across the table.. and well that never ends good... Twice after meeting, we were suppose to hang out, and he just blew me off (not in the fun way), he still texts and calls... but I don't answer.
Also I met a 35 year old that I was really hoping and for a while thought would be a great match. However... he was the same age that Jamie would have been. He reminded me of Jamie... which was one reason I thought maybe I shouldn't date him... Because he is not Jamie, and well that wouldn't be fair to him... He has had some tough times in his life that caused him to attempt his life a few times, and killed his Pancreas. He was in constant pain. This then made sense when one day his texts were completely, incoherent. But we still met, and had dinner. Again, if he wouldn't have a full beard, or chew snuff (what gay chews snuff??) but even during getting that bite to eat it was like he zoned out, and life completely forgot things that we talked about, and then thought I said something about living with a handicap person. Which I didn't, what was said was I showed him the house I grew up in, and he said he knew people that lived there with a person that was handicapped. So I grew concerned if we would have dated, I would have had to deal with someone that might be now or will be addicted to pain killers. And well I just got my shit straighten around, and as I said before, and I feel this way even more now. It should not be my role to fix some one's life. I hope I don't act like someone that needs someone to fix their life, just because a lot of times I'm desperateish to meet someone. But especially lately I've haven't had that side of the depression too much. I'm doing well with myself... After the first meeting, he wanted a hug and kiss... which I did one time, and well that scared someone away... but with him, he got the hug, but I said no kissing because just one time that night he chewed snuff, and still from jr. high, every time I just smell or think about snuff I turn green. But after that night I just kept thinking about it, and more and more I just felt it would be a unhealthy relationship. Unfortunately about a week ago I heard on the scanner, ambulance and police called to his address, for a drug overdose... and well he died. The obit stated he died from a lengthily illness, and its possible his pancreas flared up and well he told me he almost died once from that.. or well.. it could have been a accidental OD, or well... he might have been successful this attempt. This is going to bother me a little bit. Maybe this one I was suppose to save. Other then the conversations that would kinda not make sense from time to time... maybe I could have made a difference. Or maybe I'm giving myself to much credit... Not sure. Sad either way. He was a very kind soul from what I could tell, and he had some major losses in his life, like loosing someone he dated. And well he wasn't picky either.. It seemed I was really his type, and I don't get that much, even though he was 35, I just wish he would have made better choices like not drinking his pancreas to be destroyed.
I'm thinking on going to my old counselor to talk about this.. The head shrink I see, doesn't seem to let me answer anything in depth enough for me to think she truly understands me... and well maybe I do ramble as this blog is living proof of that. So I just consider her a med manager... But she doesn't understand how just this one med fixed me. Esp when I was just on the low intro dose, all of the downs went away, and I didn't notice a difference when she increased it from 25mg to 200mg. So time will tell.
I was able to see Pippin before my straight Broadway husband left the show. Mathew James Thomas... my gawd he was so hot being half naked and ripped.. haha.. The whole show was incredible. The trip with my usual group... without my buddy Terri... and well the show we were suppose to all see, which was Cabaret with Alan C which I was looking forward to see for free... was canceled because Alan was sick.. Well when I got there I told the ushers that I could do the role! I just did it 10 years ago... Well they didn't but it, which was good cause I didn't do the role 10 years ago... it was more like 18 years ago, and I was just Fritz the sailor... and well the MC is half nude through the show and well... no one wants to see me even half nude... haha.
Well I think I rambled enough... It think that is all that I wanted to document for the last month.
Best,
J