Song in my Mind ~Too Less Lonely People in the World - Air Supply

So October 2015 to October 2023......  

And since I'm 50 now I'm making the text more bigger.  lol

So, whats reason for being MIA for 8 years? Mostly Book of Face was a one stop bitch area for me... lol...

Well last bitch on here was not able to do God of Carnage, still haven't done it at the theatre, however I did get the staring role of Fredrick Fronkenstein (2016) at Cast in Clearfield, lead in Producers at the Reitz in DuBois (2017). But during that I lost Ceeto due to Kidney disease, that for a year I administered subcutaneous fluids to him for over a year.

After Ceeto passed I went to Bradford SPCA and found the cutest Russian Blue (but not officially) kitten, and I named him Jaden, which was gonna be my first son's name..  Jaden Richard Valentine, however I gave up on that and gave him that name...  So Crazy Cat Lady Level 4 maintained.  That March the SPCA told me they had a Siamese kitten, which made me go Crazy Cat Lady Level 5.  At the same time I was approved to direct and performed the role of Dan in next to normal, so I named the kitten Gabriel, which I did kinda thought was a bad idea as, to what happens to Gabe in n2n.  Not sure if I said I was talking to the sperm donor last post, but during camping of 2018 he was such a Trumper, he had a Orange nose, and we haven't talked since, and the same weekend I had to put Jaden asleep (at 8 months, just like Gabe in n2n) because he had a secondary infection from having a spell of Covid when he was a kitten, what ever the hell that was in 2018, supposedly it was something that is common in feral colonies that they get over no problem, but 1 in 100 develop a secondary illness that is call Feline infectious peritonitis that causes fluid to develop around a organ and kills it.  Yep, and we get to meet covid again in 2 years...  But after losing Jaden I stayed at Crazy Cat Lady level 4.

So Feb of 2019, we pulled off a production of n2n, which I was very proud of.  So proud that we thought it would be a good idea to reprise it in August of 2019 at Cooks Forest Sam Mill Theatre, which wasn't the best idea in the world but still glad we did it.  To that I ended up buying a camping trailer, I didn't see that coming, however, at 16 feet but being a hybrid where you just don't drive a mattress around actually I use it a lot especially three.  I get to tell the story that I bought a camping trailer because of musical theatre...  only me!  But having that camper has ended up with me spending around three weeks in Alexandria Bay!  1000 islands! a year!  Win win chicken din din!

December of 2019 flew out to AZ to visit fam...   because of a time share presentation but didn't buy one.  That was the last time I was frisky with a fellow human...  so had a long dry spell.  Which is understandable as I am now very fat and old.  But overall I am/was very much ok with.  I just would window shop.  A few distant maybes but overall nothing.

Then lets see...  March of 2020.  March 2, I was injured at work as we had a nutcase start assaulting two fellow employees.  Ripped cartilage in my left knee and some bruising in the face.  I tackled the guy and restrained his one arm by using my teeth and pulling out his hair which wasn't good for his dreads.  But I still did my annual Singing Lions tour, the leg super swollen and sore, to which the trip was cut short, on my birthday of all days, same day I lost my wallet, and well the day the world ended for 6 months.  Covid-19.  

I only had it once, and I only had a headache for one day.  I'm a believer in the vaccine.  But everything thing changed at work.  I started getting weekends off, started driving more school bus than coach....  which I'm actually liking...  The girls (Elphaba, Tootsie & Isabella) are getting a bit too old to spend winter days in the cat house.  They liked Jaden, not much of a fan of the Serial Toy drowner and leaves in the water, hey I'm gonna be nice and lick you three times and bite you so hard I have a tuff of fur in my mouth.  Poor Isabella, I have white puffs of hair around the house far too much, and well momma and Toots don't trust him at all.

The Orange one couldn't have fucked anything else up, if he tried harder, well since fucking everything up is what he is good at second to enabling bigots.  But that allowed more camping with the camper...   I guess that was my mid life crisis purchase.  But when I'm at ABAY I'm right on the river...   So... as those mid life things go... I'm ok with that.

In 2021 I finally saw a medium, at first she was sensing a female attached to a beach...   could be two...  But of course I was hoping Jamie would make a appearance. (well you know...)   The gal was off, as the item I brought was more of someone else and not Jamie, and she asked me to bring a picture in a envelope...  however before she even talked about Jamie she requested to see it.  So I'm thinking yep this was fake.  After she saw his picture she said he was here, and that he was mad.  Jeez I got sick.  But he wasn't mad at me.  She exclaimed he was murdered and that was what he was mad at.  Which I concluded a long time ago he was.  But no one even his family sees it that way.  The fucking bitch that was driving the car swerved into a on coming truck and stopped.  The black box of the car proved that with a less than 5 mph at time of impact.  But no one ever pushed it, in fact she got off the DUI with no jail time.  The medium asked me to burn a white candle on his birthday with was soon and tell at least someone that he was murdered.  I didn't have to tell the people.  But just someone.   I did, and now I'm putting it all out here.  Only thing I will promise, if I ever get into a bad time that I would consider suicide, since I would be going to hell anyways, I take care of her first.  She had a family, seems happy.  But, she killed once of the most amazing person I have ever met.  However spoilers, One, Jamie wouldn't want that I'm pretty sure, and there is one other reason now.  Cause as I said, money and job are stressing me out, but now I realized that out of a few, there is one reason I couldn't do it. 

So in 2021 I became a board member at the theatre, and I was selected to direct The Last 5 Years.....   Which the production I couldn't see better talent and couldn't, the talent was first rate, however another set of cast members couldn't control urges... which pissed me off...   Got accused by the chick that I was in love with the guy actor...  No not love, lust sure, he was legal, and what he wore....   is all I'm gonna say...  I had lots of respect for him... but more I think he was just a good actor, but maybe not the person he is good at acting as.  She had talent....  But she broke up with a sweet guy to wreck his relationship and they dated till he left her....    lol...   

2023 I had a small part at the Reitz in Spam-a-lot, and was Vince in Grease at the sawmill...  Amazing year of Camping almost 3 full weeks in ABay!

For 2024 I'm directing You're a Good Man Charlie Brown at the Reitz,  I have good hopes for a few that I think are auditioning.  And in summer I might be pulling off my best impression of Paul Lynde.  lol...  Which that includes camping as its a bit far away.  Same reason I bought it.

I'm growing tired of the job.  Bunch of things that I view are slights, almost got hired in Vermont at my dream company (not dream job) but it was a start.  But too expensive to live on my own there.

I'm so much greyer, more tired, and well...  sore and tired too!

So updates on some of the boys along the way.

BHOH, him and his whatever moved to Tucson AZ.  Glad I never moved like I thought could have happened.  TJ actually started chatting before and after moving out there, which was ok.  But I think he unfriended me for some of the "if my ex gets hit by a bus and other memes...."  

Sunshine or Little Bastard...   for the longest time would only contact me when he needed money.  He was in jail from like 2015 to 2017.  There was some mail exchanged during that time.  Boredom would do that I guess.  Last time I saw him was August 21st 2017.  He was settling down in Erie after release.  We got something to eat, I watched the solar eclipse for like two hours after he settle with the PO and some job interview.  He unfriended me around the same time TJ did... but before that I watched him stoned out of his mind on a facebook live that he insisted there was a "thing" in his legs from his new apartment, and kept saying he was gonna cut it out with a knife.  And any other time he would message was only for money, but since the last time in 2015, it was really easy to say no.  I finally realized I had to.  Last month he "died" in his residence.  Its too bad, he lost everything that made him "sunshine", but I felt nothing when I heard he died.  Took me a few days, but then I realized I mourned him a long time back.

Dale, the Savage's ex, died of a overdose, Savage talked up a good game while he was in jail, maybe got $20 for help with postage but I wasn't giving money to the fucker that stole alot of sentimental things. But when he got out he hooked up with somone with Dale's last name.  I'm not the best looking but that man is FUGLY!!!  lol...  Anyway I think he caused Deoge to get sick and Ceeto hated him.. He wasn't coming back into my life.

Tony, for all that he liked a older guy, he had a felony love of underage girls.  He was in jail for a long time.  He's in a halfway "prayer" house, with a bunch of other Chester's.  I only found that out with a county check of Megan's Law.  I never reached out as I would have only been a ass.  We never said I love you, or not that I can remember.  He was a freak in the sheets, but just a waste of human.

Shawn is somewhere in NJ, he never reached out.  I think he thinks he prayed the gay away, but however brief that lasted, but I was smitten with his looks and about to be 40...  got desperate.  But he helped me to stop looking for anything relationship wise.  Worked, kept me out of trouble for about ten years!  lol...

Elphaba "Mommy" is 15 this year.  Beginning of September she developed a mass on the bridge of her nose.  Vets say they don't know, a needle biopsy says there are some "suspicious cells meaning cancer and inflammation cells. But the way its growing, doesn't really matter, if it continues to grow like it is, she'll be seeing Ceeto and Jaden soon.  I think she still looks for Ceeto upstairs, she does this cry sound.  Hell have you seen this video..  Kicks you in the gut..  but kinda hope this is how death and everlasting life works...

Kitty looking at goggie friend

So why after 8 years am I updating this...?  Yes I'm on call... lol but that's not it.

This year in August while camping at Abay, I got a notice from Tinder.  There was this cute picture of a army guy... and I said, oh Fabulous a scammer from Russia or India.  I've gotten good at spotting them out.  Never been taken...  but its common of them to use a fake cute army guy photo to catfish or scam with.  Well, Richard passed all the anti-scammer tests.  He is real, (pretty sure)... Private First Class at Ft. Drum.  Another great reason I'm glad I bought the camper as I was camping.  @ 26 he is half my age.  But for some reason, he thinks I'm not bad looking and thinks I have a personality, (I asked when his last eye test was) he said dude I shoot a gun very well. lol...  He hasn't hit me up for money.  So just when I wasn't looking for anything, he comes out of nowhere.  I never met anyone like him.  He is genuine, caring, very scared of this new relationship, does a lot of things I remember me doing when I was his age.  Stuff now in hind sight might have helped with me being single, as I was doing that stuff being mostly the older person in the relationship.  But since I know where this is coming from, I see it as him being at 26, and well..  thats how its suppose to be... 

We are both Pisces which is interesting.  But when he does something that isn't exactly the best thing to do.  I offer feedback...  And I do things that makes him offer feedback too.  I don't have anything I see needs to be fixed "like all the jailbirds"... or prove that I can be trust worthy...  He just wants to be apart of my life, and I feel exactly same way.  We don't see more than a weekend a month, which we only have been dating for two months....  But hell, thats 2 years in Gay years...  and well with the Valentine factor...  5 years??  lol...  

But even though we are in a long distance relationship, I never get paranoid, about his feelings or actions.  I guess I learned that living in the moment is the way to do it, that if I have worry about if he is meeting someone that he might prefer over me.  If he starts looking I already lost the fight.  And me becoming a relationship nazi or head case won't save anything.  I guess sometimes to fight for a relationship is not gonna solve a thing, as fighting never worked in the past.  But it could be that he hasn't given me any reason to worry.  There has not been a day we haven't at least texted, and most days we video chat....  We got a year and half of dating before he gets discharged.  So we will be either ready to settle or maybe not...  But even though he says we went fast on somethings...  overall we are on a good road to...  make it?

Heck, we been doing this silly facebook game that we guess the other answers, which made him ask if I kept a journal..  I said I had a blog at one time.  He wanted to read it...  I rather he not, as hell I don't remember half the shit in this thing.  But my "love" has since, read everything and then told me I was such strong person from all that I went through.  Even though I told him a lot of the past as he asked questions, I guess reading it from that point in time helped him get to know me more.  

But I know he read the WHOLE blog in a couple of days...  and I can't only view a few days worth without saying WTH Valentine...  lol  Curious if and when he'll come back to find this "update"....  But know that his companionship has been an amazing unexpected surprise.  I love him, I love how he is, I love how he looks at me...  however I'm not sure what he sees...  lol...  

So if this is the last update of this thing...  so be it.  I'm actually glad that I don't need a forum to bitch about things that I'm dating!  Only God knows how long this will last.  And I'm ok with that.  I'll deal with the day to day bumps, if there are any.  Not making mountains out of mole hill bumps, over insecurity of the future...   Or turning those bumps into clubs to repeatedly relive the past that doesn't matter.  Yeah there has been a few misunderstandings..   but no clubs yet.  For once I'm present....  in the present...  at least with my Boo...  Work and money well that's another thing....   I keep telling him to get promoted to Major General....   lol...   But maybe the part that wasn't there for decades, might help me better the others..  Ok rambling now...    But for now....  

There are two less lonely people in the world....   Love you Richard!

 

Song in my Mind ~ God, I Hate Shakespeare - Something Rotten! (Original Broadway)

*NOTE...  I'm rambling in this at midnight..  so, first off sorry.. second, good luck in following it...



Well...  I guess I'm going to rant a little.  However if you been unlucky to have been in my presence in the last few weeks... well....  I've been ranting a lot.



About a month ago I was higher then high...  I was very much in a creative mode as I'm in Grey Gardens (three more shows starts tomorrow, come see it!!)  Jonathan the director allowed me as Asst. Direct and to steer the show as the vision I had for it.  He allowed me pretty much full range of blocking and well incorporating everything I thought needed to be done to adapt it to the stage we had. Basically that came down to him not having to reel me in "as in going to crazy one way or another". I was also  in charge of "thinking up the set".  I had a idea in my block head, however being a Computer Aided Drafting High school nerd...  my vision was poorly transcribed to paper.  However the set builder, pulled it out of my head and did an absolutely amazing job.  I programmed the lighting for the show.  Jonathan left it up to me to come up with the catch phrases for the radio ads.  I was so trilled to be able to use all my creative juices.



The last week, some things happened that well..  was tough to understand.  I will say that some was unprofessional, even for a amateur show.  Now I know I'm never completely innocent, but I was really let down, for the high admiration I had with the people I was working with.  Especially if the role was reversed, the one would have never stood for it if it was directed to them in that fashion.  HOWEVER...  that being all said, after opening night, the show was 95% exactly how I wanted the show to be seen by an audience..  Good bad or indifferent, in this case the ends justified the means.  The show is Amazing!! However on opening night, I didn't cry.  I really thought well you know, I've seen many directors cry, seeing their vision, their baby come to life...  Well I was still really hurt over some of the things that happened.  But still, as I told Jonathan, the only person I had to make happy was him, by carrying out what he needed me to do.  So, mission completed and a really fantastic show, with a fantastic cast, was doing (still is...  we had a week break, and well last night was amazing, we where all on!) a fantastic job.



Then I got news, news that I wasn't surprised by.  By the most disrespectful way, a facebook message on opening night of GG at midnight.  No phone call...  No.. well you know..  The board, in a move that was never done before.  Veto'd the play I was suppose to direct in the winter.  Citing that they think the show would not "sell" in DuBois.  Total disbelief...  God of Carnage, a show that only won a Tony for best play in 2009, and a Olivia (however that is spelled) in the West End for best comedy...  BTW they say they didn't veto it, they gave me a chance to change, but I've only prepared for this show and the Last Five years, and well after this show, a musical is not what I wanted to direct solo at his time.... however.. well it is what it is.  Some said they didn't think Grey Gardens would do well...  as the story isn't super known, after the cult following that is...  people forget...  however, that was one of the things after the show I kept hearing.  Best show ever on this stage.  AS for mainly the two Leading Ladies in this show are simply the best...  perfect for these roles....  However also, because the show has a lot of depth to it.  It's what I been saying at theatre meetings for the last three years. Need the shows that make you think!!  They did not like God of Carnage as it has real themes, deep themes..  makes you think themes...  There has been shows on that stage, that was more off color because they were fictitious in nature, farces...  The language in GofC isn't any worse that some shows that were done.  In fact I was more uncomfortable with the content of the last play was there...  Nothing wrong with it, as its the arts, sometimes you need to feel uncomfortable.  But just another time my chance to finally "grab the prize".... have a outlet of my love of Theatre...  has totally become a major source of hurt and depression.  They choose to replace my slot, mind you I pitched this show for the last three years, they waited till it got approved to well, become whatever they became.  A time of my life that really should have been a major good memory, has been ripped away..



Now I know I'm rambling, and some would wonder why I can just let things go.  If you really know me, you know why, even if you don't understand why.  I've probably turned it into a lot it isn't.  I took it personally... an personal attack, as I'm different, not in the click or however that is spelled.  But saying it wouldn't sell is complete BS.. They replaced it with a Shakespeare show that centers around crossing dressing...  SERIOUSLY??  Well its ok since its shakes and all those thous and doufs  you have no clue what is going on...  (ok being a bit drama queen, but you get my drift)  Also its been said many times...  Shakespeare DOES NOT FILL SEATS.  If you cater to a "older" audience, or are afraid you will offend one person, so you do shows that only appeal to that one person and you bore four others...  You will not grow.  If you don't grow...  well you know.  And it struck me.  This happened in 1999 to me with Warren Players just when I felt it was going in a good direction, some high and mighty holy roller, caused a take over of the board, just because a director was going to direct Jesus Christ Superstar.  They didn't think it should be done as there was no "Resurrection" at the end......  Well...  that organization did take many steps backward.  They couldn't afford their house anymore, moved into a horrible space.  However then they did what I was suggesting to do two years prior, and became a theatre in residence, in a house that housed Equity shows, truly a amazing house...  AND THEY FINALLY DID JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR.



Now if your still reading this..  wow..  again, I'm not perfect in this.  And I have been a complete arse over this.  But my passion is theatre.  My outlet seems to be dead.  My pride was hurt, so I want to pout and take all my toys and leave.  I currently can't be the better person and say, well I tried, and be fake and pretend it doesn't matter.



So please come see this amazing show. As it might be my last, or at least last for a really really long time.  After this show I don't even want to go into that theater.  I know in some time I will only remember the positive, as with Into the Woods I remembered only the positive, well until the rough patch in Grey Gardens... and then I wondered if that was karma biting me in the ass... as I didn't fully agree with that director, as some didn't agree with me...  however...  still...  This crap seems to only happen to me...  for example I was with the fire dept and Penn Dot at a scene of a tree down today..  a car comes by, runs over a piece of wood in a way that it pops out of the tire, comes flying towards me...  I see it coming, however I could not move fast enough to preventing it from completely hitting me in the balls...  OUCH!!  However I did not hit the ground, thankfully it was higher, and I only have a bruise..  but seriously...  WHAT ARE THE FREAKING ODDS OF A STICK POPPING OUT OF TIRE, FLYING THROUGH THE AIR, AND MAKING ME SING AN OCTAVE HIGHER??



Just have to wonder if your just that bad of a person that Karma has to find creative ways to get ya...



So come see my farewell show!  And if its not.. then I'm like Cher and Babs, and then it will be my next to last farewell show.



However tying everything in...  God I hate Shakespeare!!!!

Song in my mind ~ Rod Stewart - I Was Only Joking (Official Video) 1977 *RARE*

'Cause what I'm doing must be wrong
Pouring my heart out in a song
Owning up for prosperity
For the whole damn world to see

Quietly now while I turn a page
Act one is over without costume change
The principal would like to leave the stage
The crowd don't understand

Well its been since January since I said anything...  as I didn't really have anything to say.  Work is still work.. Either feeling really good about doing a good job, to hating almost every aspect of it.  I saw a few shows, mainly got to see this years Tony Winning Fun Home.  Yet another role I would love to do is the dad in it before I get too much older or fatter. 

Went to my first pride parade ever in NYC...  Wasn't planning on it as it was two days after SCOTUS struck down all Anti-Gay marriage laws, I was sure something bad would have happened.
I have done better paying off the credit cards.  I work a ton of extra trips and I decided no vacation destinations this year.  Esp quite frankly I hate going alone... so yeah surprise still alone.  A few wow ok then's but then nothing after that... 

Still wondering if I'll keep the Deputy Chief position next year.  The election was close enough that if the people that got pissed off last could manipulate and get their way.  Esp if people are blind to the bad behavior that was shown during this year. 

More and more I'm feeling that I will just never find peace in this world...  its either fighting with my father that no we should not kill every Muslim, to being afraid that yeah some of the bad guys could get through with the mass exodus coming into other countries because of what is happening over there...  and well other right wing nut job ideas that he has floating in his mind thanks to Faux News.  To still dealing with doing that really nice thing last year and having "wart" having the wrong idea and misleading people to how that trip went.  You know me...  by now, if someone is going to hate me, at least let me really give you a reason to hate me... 

Lets see..  nothing much else...  other then what was turning into a positive for 2015 is now just a half positive.  I'm currently Asst Director, Lighting design, and have the Role of George Gould Strong.  This is a very decent role, one solo and a lot of ensemble songs.  A lot of talent..  its been a lot of fun..  and there are a few cuties that come around...

Going on 6 months shy of 20 years of losing the one person I still think about everyday, and the what if..  I did a project of reclaiming a plaque I got made for him a while ago, and I thought I did a good job of restoring it.  It looked great for a few months, but its now coming apart and this stone like tile that had the best. This isn't the stone, but its the poem.

I miss him terribly, especially since I guess I'm never going to find one that would be a close second to him.  Oh well...  same old same old, wish I felt better, to not hope cancer or a major coronary would just bring me peace finally.

Song in my mind ~ JibJab 2014 Year in Review: "2014, You Are History!"

I just re-read my last year end of year report....  And I'm really glad this year is over.  And I'm not sure 2015 will be any better.

Still alone, maybe even more so...  Mom moved to Florida, and i doubt i will ever have a decent relationship with my sister.  Still work is slowly, maybe not slowly killing me.  But i guess nothing else is new.

I'm still being made out to be the bad guy for doing a nice thing for the twink this summer.  However I want to make it clear, I didn't ever want you during this trip so I wasn't trying to seduce you mainly because of your HPV ass.  Your ex should be in jail for raping you at age 15, and the adults you live with are just as guilty as they know and never reported this felony.  And I'm the bad guy.  Karma is a bitch.

The slut right out stopped talking all together.  No loss.

The LB finally got out of jail, and his ex committed suicide, so again in a situation I wouldn't wish on anyone.  But he really never wanted anything other then my money, which I'm sure i'll never see back.  But I think I finally learned my lesson.  Yeah I said that before.

However I really need to make some of my credit cards, before I help any other person.

Well I'm fairly sure I know I have one reader, and well that is a uncertainty as some chats are good, others confuse me...  so I have no clue.

Just trying to stay as positive as I can.  I'm doing a bit better with the newest second med, but I still get down if I think too much about the above bull.

One thing to look forward to is that with work I'm going to be spending a few days in St. Louis, and a great group from last year and I will be spending another cool trip together, although it will be alot of Florida, which I'm not sure if you know...  I hate Florida..

But oh well...

Song in my mind ~ Maybe - Next to Normal the Musical (repeat 1)

Maybe I've lost it at last
Maybe my last lucid moment has passed
I'm dancing with death, I suppose
But really who knows?




Well, as I thought the July trip on taking the twink to NYC, was a complete and total disaster, just not in the way I feared. Just a week or two before doing this trip, I met another 18 yo from Jersey who supposedly was into old trolls like me... So I was actually thinking this trip wouldn't be as painful.  And at first it wasn't.  We met and started driving, and right away he the twink not the slut how he met the current BF who at this point couldn't go because of work, which then I had to give the third ticket away, but I thought of giving it to my friend Eric, as he has put up with me well over the years, and he just graduated grad school so I was keeping with the graduation theme of this trip. 
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Well the twink told me that the current BF was the one dating the Pedo that I wanted to punch for two years not who I learned did more/gave horrible things to the twink, however how they met was through a three way, which then made the current BF a Pedo as well as it was the same age difference as the BHOH and the LB. (you will have to go back a few years for those references as for the most part I haven't been talking about them.)  But this time around they supposedly waited till the twink turned 18...  Well I kinda let it slide.  The twink asked me if I could would I throw him into jail for drinking...  I said well no, as that's not as a big deal to me, as long as its safeish.  I would never supply and I can't arrest unless its a felony.  We talked about a lot of things, he heard about Jamie...  I thought he wanted to be treated as a 18yo...  and in my book if a kid is able to die for his country at 18, I'm ok with that. 
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We had dinner at the Powerhouse which I love the food, the prices could be better...  It could have been romantic, but as I was purposely trying not to do that... and I was more interested in few of the waiters.  So we get to the hotel, and prepared for the next day.  Which it was a bear getting into the city, so we went directly to Coney Island, which was different then I expected, kinda pretty, love the lifeguards...  and did what I really wanted to do was to ride the wonder wheel.  At this point the twink was pretty much in his phone, and well told me a few of the issues him and the BF were having, and well I kinda figured it was in trouble... esp since the Mom's stopped them from seeing each other in a "week break"....  That should have been a warning for me.  So I started talking to...  ummm... lets name him the 18yo Slut.  But at that point I thought he was ok.  So we then headed to the 9-11 site, toured the gayborhood, which I showed him a store that a mutual friend of ours would love, (I showed him a butt picture of what this person was into (he is kinda a big deal from DuBois, and very hot) but this type of thing was not the twink's type so he was kinda ewwwing it...  Got a bite to eat at Jekyle and Hyde, cool restaurant, this was down in the village so I know Times Square has a bigger one so I'll have to see if bigger is better in this case. 
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We then we headed to Hedwig and the Angry Inch.  The first show.  It was f@#$ing amazing.  Neil did such a great job and you know how I am a traditionalist, ever Sugar Daddie that they revamped that I was teetering watching the Tony's, loved it and the whole show.  After the show the twink just looked at me and said I love you, but I know it was just because it was my idea to get him to see this show.  But after that here is how the weekend started going down hill..  So the slut and I was talking, and he wanted to meet, so I asked the twink 10 times if he had a problem with the Slut (again wasn't the slut at the time) to come over to the hotel room.  He said no 10 times.  We when I met the slut he ran to give me a hug and he brought food from his work.  Well the plan became to sleep and he tag along in the city the next morning.  Well...  the slut wanted things to progress... now things happened that might should not have... but I did draw the line and prevented them from really going to far... and well during this the twink had to be sleeping because he was facing us...  so I thought things were ok.  Now I didn't get much sleep....  but in the morning me and the slut decided to "conserve" water and again not much happed, however when we were in there... the damn fire alarm went off and the twink did wake up.  He texted are you at breakfast...  I decided to be honest...  more downhill....


.
So we went into the city and it seemed all of us were getting along well.  We did the highline, got a bite to eat, I gave my ticket that was once the twink's BF ticket to the slut so he could understand why musical theatre is so important to me.  And I needed to run to the Top of the Rock to get another ticket for Sunset anyway, as our number increased after I got that idea.  After the show the twink did Stage Door, then we went up to Dylan's candy and Roosevelt island which the twink thought was my big surprise.  Mind you at this point I was buying everything for both of them as the twink didn't save up enough money. Then we went to the Top of the Rock which was the big surprise where the twink just took a shit load of pictures with my phone as his died.  I spent most of the evening telling the slut there was nothing between the twink and me...  Not sure why after what you will learn before why I even had to do that.  However it was very nice up there, very pretty at sunset. 


.
So after that, we headed back to NJ to drop off the slut (there was some talk of him coming to PA as he didn't have to work, but that didn't happen)..  then me and the twink drove back to PA.  But here is went the slut gets his name.  He was with another guy he just met that night, probably before me and the twink got to our next hotel in PA.  Now that night the twink was trying to talk the BF into joining us. (or maybe taking him home not sure at this point, but not at that point)


.
Next morning we headed to Knobble's which is a older amusement park and again I was buying everything at this point.  Some key conversation points.  The twink didn't approve of the age difference of me and the slut, as I needed a older version of him?.?.  Have no clue what that meant that maybe the twink thought we be perfect if the age difference wasn't there.  I didn't think this was true... I didn't hate him as I thought would also be a possible issue, but there were things that made be glad I only wanted to be friends... and one of his bitches about his BF as "he has to plan everything"....  well... hell I know I would have to be 10x's worse then the worse person on that front....  Other then that.. there was this one ride that I couldn't figure how it functioned. (there is the brake that I thought it braked it, but actually it braked and made the damn thing roll around... .I was wrong)  But the bet was if I was wrong it was $100, if I was right he had to be my slave. (I guess he heard Sex in front of that which will be important later)  He then shot back well that wouldn't work because I would just sit in the corner and laugh at you, and I came back so you would act like a cat)...  Which I thought that whole exchange was kinda funny.


.
Then when I though wow I would get through this weekend without him thinking at all I was trying to buy his whatever, I did say (and again I thought it was funny), I would never hit on you as your moms would kick my ass.  And as we where living I mentioned something about wills and I said my will, will state that everything goes to the person that will keep all my cats together.  And since I believe because of my health I only have maybe 9 or 10 years... and he was kinda pushy saying I would live longer then that.. and I thought I sensed maybe he thought I was referring to suicide and he was giving that type of "talk"....  So really I thought all went well.
.
We got back home he thanked me, showed his mom the big jaw breaking that I bought, which well I bought more then that, but it was another thank you....  But during this I found out that the BF is a volunteer sexual assault advocate, which one of the moms runs the program which I thought was kinda inappropriate knowing what he did... but what ever....
.
So a few hours later I tried to facebook thanks to the twink, Eric and the slut and mention to the BF I got his baby home safe.  Well I couldn't tag him in facebook, asked the twink what happen with that, got ignored, the BF wrote back I wasn't someone he be proud to have on his friends list.  (which first thing I thought that's the pot calling the kettle something Pedo)  Then about hour after that, I got ripped a new one by one of his mom's.  She thought everything I did was inappropriate.  Again I know of two occasions as a mandated reporter of abuse she did nothing...  And not touching this kid at all (again who is 18) just talking as well if you remember the first story he told me was about being in a three way (really innocent there)...  Now having the slut wanting to be a slut... yeah I agree that wasn't the smartest thing...  but then again.. I was paying the full bill, and well since I'm fat and ugly I need to act on any interest when I can...  (rationalization I know.. and like I said that was in fact the one thing I agree on)  So I was completely devastated as I hate when I don't meet others expectations and well think bad of me and my reputation takes a hint.  Well I talked to my therapist and well she being a older lady as well...  doesn't think I did anything wrong.  And I never said "sex" slave...  that pisses me off.  I broke silence once, and congratulated him on getting a decent role in the local theatre, and that was ignored... so he is or was the arse of the day.. and well I'm not worrying about him anymore.  Not my job.
.
So that night I tried to contact the slut, and I couldn't..  he eventually called me later around 1am...  and well...  he didn't understand the situation...  I talked to him the next day and well that's when he officially got slut status.  Supposedly when he stay over with us...  he was a virgin and he wanted to go all the way, and never met anyone like this before... but as I said the same day we left he sucked off a guy, and when I was trying to call him about the above disaster, which if you do the time was within 24 hours of me dropping him off, he was fucking another guy.....  So enter in slut status.. and when he needed a pocket calendar of who he was going to suck/fuck, I got pissed which was way to long as I should have never talked to him again, but again I started making excuses for him...  well then we talked "as friends" which well was hard on me, as I was the only one wanted something real with him (as all these other guys fuck/sucked and ran)  He bitch about not meeting people that didn't get him....  well all was going well till he actually came to PA, which his dad was driving after work at 1am which made me concerned as that's not a good time to drive... after that he has not said a word...  So after a few days of him slutting around on hornet, I just told him to have a nice life. 
.
Now through all of this Shawn started to be on my mind, and on facebook he had a picture and the outfit he had on screamed gay.  So I started a messaging session with him, and again he thanked me for giving him the courage to move out, he talked about how July 18 last year was bad (which was around when he told his parents he was gay and they were supposedly forcing him to a pray a gay away place in Florida (do you know I fing hate Florida?)  Well since then he lied said he wasn't dating anyone back in March.  However I found out he tried a girl and a guy older then me...  who dumped him as he was to serious for the old troll...  But then explained to me how I need to find someone closer to my age ?.?...  and that the reason he won't date me as he wants to live here and there...  so basically it was another Seth...  who is still treating me like a ass...  I bring the gay out of them and they know they are hot so they turn into a asshole and forget all about me..  which then.. I understand that's how its really suppose work, just they tell you prior to that, that your the type they are looking for.  So I thanked him for telling me nicely we will never date so I'm over him as well.
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So I kinda got depressed.. but then I wasn't but I had no energy, which the pill doctor thinks I needed another one...  oh well...  Like I said before, I would like to know I tried everything, if I ever decided to take that final bow.
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During all of this I was trying to be nice to the LB who is still in jail, we wrote a few times and I visited him twice... but then he stopped writing...  So on his facebook when he gets out, he got a thank you, as least he didn't lead me on just to get more money out of me...  of course I can't tell you how much I gave him already over the past ten stupid years...  so mark him as a no.. even though again if he had a life with me he wouldn't be in jail in the first place.
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Saw Matilda two weeks after the disaster trip, It was suppose to be with a friend, her daughter and husband... that should have been safe...  however then the hubby wanted to got they wanted two days instead of one... so that would have upped my debt.. but then they all got sick and couldn't go.  So I took around a $60 hit however my good friend Kate and her sister joined me..  Another time I was suppose to see the slut and well that didn't work out which was good...  But I was able to keep some of the debt down without having to pay for a hotel.
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Some positive...  My friend Keram, and now I feel I can actually call him a friend, release a CD of some really great music, he included me in the credits for all the support since 2000...  (he is also in films and tv shows so he is kinda a big deal!!)  Well he had a CD release party that I just had to go to.  So to save money I booked a bed at a hostel, which was next to the place he was playing.  I got a hug from him, and he is hot as hell, even being 40... but he doesn't look it, and act it in a good way.. and well thankfully he is straight, as if he was gay I would be so depressed I couldn't marry him and be a good wifey.  But the live show was fantastic, loved the energy which you don't get from a recording and well was very close and said hello to Alex Lifeson, who I didn't know till after that he is like the biggest guitar player in Canada, as he is in Rush.. haha..  So that night was kinda really great.


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As I said in the last post I booked 3 nights in Alex Bay, and overall that was nice. However all my credit cards are too high for my liking (my person rule after buying the house)  But the town is just dying.  its changing and not in a good way.. and well again being at a nice place alone... got to me...  again another reason for the second happy pill.  But thinks should pick up at work and get those cards down..  I got a quick trip to AZ coming up in October....
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So overall I'm ok... would be better if I just would stop just trying to be nice to the wrong people.. since well I didn't want a relationship with the twink...  (I guess I wouldn't have been against it either which why I thought it would be a disaster before the disaster)....  but all well.  Gonna just try to focus on me.
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One last thing, me and another guy are hoping Grey Gardens gets picked for a show next year.  If I get my foot in the door as a director...  maybe some other things will come out of it.
But really who knows?
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Sorry this is so rambly, but I'm too tired to proof read it.. and who even reads this anymore. lol


J.

Song in my mind ~ When I Fall - Barenaked Ladies

I wish I could fly
From this building
From this wall
And if I should try
Would you catch me if I fall?


Really and truly...  I don't think there is... well... in the way I would like to be caught....

Well, other than work beating the hell out of me, or well starting to make the happy pills not to work again...  Things are barely tolerable.  I'm spending too much money again... and doing stupid stuff.

So...  thought in the prior posts...  but the one that I have referred to as the "little bastard" has been in jail for a 6 month sentence.  Not sure if he did it or not.  I'm kinda leaning that he didn't... however it seems that whenever I'm sure of anything... I'm wrong.  I have visited him a few times...  and to find out, one of my other ex's Tony is in there for being a pedo...  I really pick them don't I.  Well of course he is giving some mixed signals but more no signals really.  I want to just turn my back and I can't....  But I can't stop thinking if I don't try.. .well it will get worse for him...  but then if I try will it get worse for me?

So I guess in late April, I saw the final high school show for two of the theatre kids I have kinda have a soft part in my heart for.  One very talented, but straighty (thank gawd)...  and well one that is also talented in a different way, (plus I never really heard him sing)...  but best way to describe him as if Jack from Will & Grace, had a child with Jack from Will & Grace.  Well he had a tough life but then for the last two years he has had two incredible moms...  And really he seems like at his work, and well every aspect I see (which really isn't much) he as such great passion.  Well when we talked at the show he seemed to value my praise of him, and well he hugged me... which was a kinda a big thing because a year ago or more I threaten to beat the shit out this one fag that he was dating...  why?  because it was Stat Rape if anything happened.  This piece of shit continues to date high schoolers.. and well its sick.  And he is fugly.  Well I knew this twink was dating someone and I knew he did not go to his senior year NYC trip.  Not sure why... he played it off as nothing (again positive passion) but others told me he was very sad not to be able to go.  So Jason got a great idea.

I offered to take him to NYC to see a few shows.  One Hedwig and the Angry Inch, which since he is very fabulous, I could see him in the staring role... if he can sing... as I already seen pictures of him looking kinda like a hot girl...  And he picked Newsies...  well the original plan was to go down on a Friday, see a show Friday (Hedwig) and on Saturday Newsies and come home.  As I think I said he had a BF (long distance) at the time... so not to appear like a swarmy old man... pouncing on fresh meat... that will I'm sure that doesn't want this old fat prune...  I extended the offer to the current BF.  then I found out the current BF would still be 17 when he decided to go, so I told the twink that the BF parents would have to write a permission note as NY can be funny about trolls bringing underage people across state lines...  Well then they broke up... so then I got the other great idea of extending the days and seeing and doing more.  So things were going ok, then like the talking was minimal.  And in talking with one of the moms, he started since this 20 something...  fairly sure 21.  Which well.. there are some possible situations that I would disapprove of, but then if they followed the law, then I would be 100% ok with the relationship.  Heck with I was 18 I dated a 14yo police officer's daughter..  and well..  it was ok, as we didn't do anything against the law.  Well I'm not asking questions...  cause I don't need to know..  anyway instead of Stat Rape now it would only be corruption of a minor, which in this case a cop would be hard pressed to do anything.  The mom loves this new bf, and well according to facebook, he seems really nice enough...  But again the talking between me and twink started getting weird, so to prevent any swarminess, I again extended the invitation to the new BF. So I'm now a third wheel on something I was going to use as a vacation.

But, other then I want to walk out in front of a bus when I see the cute photos of these two...  After I get passed my bitchy jealous self.  I do in fact I'm happy that the twink has what seems to be good person in his life.  I did kinda wanted to get to know the twink on a one on one basis.. however.. I'm throwing this into God's hands.  Yeah I guess I was crushing a bit.. well maybe not that.. but really overstretching thinking this could be the prince charming...  well..  I know better.. so its best how its working out.  But they are both pissing me off because I'm trying to iron out the room thing.  The BF is suppose to get good deals, which would make my usual way into the city different.. however the grand plan would for the BF to get a great deal for a room IN the city and those two for at least a night would have a romantic night to themselves...  and give my bitchy heart a break.  On Sunday I thought it would be a great idea to stop at Knobbles Park on the way home...  however as said before.. I'm now the third wheel on the weekend I'm paying for (well rooms and show tickets and maybe one dinner).  But really it only cost me $90 for the BF to come too.. cause I really didn't need to see Newsies again...  So oh well.  I kept telling the twink it was because he could be my kid..  just at a point I was seeing someone if the age wasn't a issue... you would think falling for was a good idea.  however...  I feel I really bit off more then I can chew..  as it will be a double edge sword.  But as long as I do a Tony Winning performance and just focus to give this special guy a great weekend with the one he loves...  That has to be a positive Karma deposit right?

So I've decided to waste more money.  I just booked a room up at ABay, but it won't be on Pirates weekend.. but the next weekend which is Rock and Roll Weekend.  which I think might be better as Pirates weekend has been a bit boring.  Last good thing was that cutie straighty Zeke.. which I haven't seen in two years...  In the last letter I invited the LB but I really doubt he will accept.. so... I just flat out got a queen bed.  New hotel... price seems ok...  and well its more on the river then the last place I've been staying at...  Still not as "romantic" as Pine Tree Point.. which has been closed for a few years now that is really sad.

Well I might need the vacation after this August.  The sister is getting married.. and well... I really need to stop being so honest...  cause I'm tearing my mom apart... but the sis said something that really pissed me off, she has became someone that if we weren't related, I would have no time for period.  And the honesty is well I in fact said I didn't want to go to the wedding.  Because she once said and I quote in regards to the 2010 election. "The only reason your voting for that *N word* is because he is for gay marriage"...  well I wish I would have been able to think on my feet and say that's the exact reason you should be voting for him. She thinks he has done nothing for jobs...  but her Grandmother was a bigot, her father is a bigot...  and well.. normal people see that its because the whole republicans are bigots or just short sighted that they obstruct everything and who caused the whole mess in the first place.  The republicans...  so..  I tend to think its because she is in fact a bigot, even though she dated a black guy and has "gay friends".  Then again... it could me I'm a horrible opinionated arse too.  but at least I'm agreeing that's a possibility.

Well On-call... waiting for hell to start.. forgot my cpap so... sleeping is going to suck anyway.. so I'm going to sign off.

Wish me luck in making sure I do the good deed, I originally wanted to do, and not let my heart get in the damn way.

Best,
J

Song in my mind ~ Say Something - A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye


Yeah I'm on call again, and boy its been kicking my ass.  I was on call in beginning of February, it was super bowl weekend, so I was busy... and well my life has been boring mostly.  During super bowl, I got caught up with the stupidness that is of the fire dept I left last fall, because of the bullshit move this arse did, who I have not had respect for, for sometime.  For a brief time I quit the other fire dept because I lost my line officer position... well that worked itself out.  The one guy I was actually defending asked me to reconsider, and I did...  However in March it kinda worked out because I actually moved into a higher officer position because of health problems of another member.  And of course you guys know I'm sad that it happened that way... but at least me getting over my pouting in losing the first one, and just focusing on just helping the people and not the rank got me a rank.  Of course I had to buy some new toys with the new position is now in fact I'm able to run red light and siren with my new position.  However the ten calls we have a year... haha I'm pretty sure the red light fever won't be a problem esp probably half of those I'll have to respond in the "work" vehicle, which I only have a blue light installed, that legally I shouldn't have that...


So try to update all that is happened.


The dude that was a bit kinky never happened again... I guess he found something better.. which ok.  I really really enjoy the "xmas present" I bought myself.  It would be a lot better if I had a partner to play with..  oh well.  Lost contact with the cute hotel engineer so no more room service.


I'm now on anti-depression meds.  As for those meds.. I found one with no side effects.  I have more side effects with my high blood pressure meds...  So, and well, I'm actually doing quite well.  People have noticed a big change with me.. and well I handle the stress a bit better.  Which hopefully less stress will bring my BP down.


I was able to get some skiing in.  However the last time I skied I got injured really bad.  I ripped or cut a good chunk of my calf.  And I was working at the time so I was greatly concerned, but I was able to do all that I had to do.  I took my boots to NYC because I firmly believe the injury came out of me skiing differently and incorrectly because the boots are still a bit of a medieval torture devices.  So got them tweaked a bit so we will see next year.  And yeah the injury had nothing to do with the fact I'm getting old.


So February was kinda not eventful. March started out betterish.  Work as usual gets really really busy.. And I got a group again, that might have not liked me as much back in 2007.  Well I was younger then, and well I may have been mistaken for being too friendly.  However I met someone that was in the group the year after and it might have had nothing to do with me that they used a different company, and actually that time a year later I ran into one of the kids that were on the group prior, and he told me that he heard of no...  uncomfortableness... so it could have been nothing I did wrong.


Well this year... within a few days, and this was the first...  I wonder when it would happen, since there is always gays on this trip (hence I thought maybe the first group a few might have thought I was too friendly)...  they found me on grindr...  which was ok...  I helped a lot on the sound system side of things and tearing down and setting up...  and well they seemed to like and appreciate it all.  By the time we got to New Orleans they wanted me to go out with them and they wanted to get me drunk. (but not for the reason, some would think.. haha..  I don't think they would have ever needed to get me drunk for that).  But since where we were staying taxi's didn't want to come to... I ended taking them to Bourbon St... which made it so I couldn't drink at all.  I ended up feeling like I was a body guard, esp for this one younger dude, that probably shouldn't have gotten into the gay bar, which was only the second time that happened with a group (that time with the group leaders... haha) and well he probably shouldn't have been given drinks by all these old queens that saw fresh meat.  Other then not being able to stay till wee hours as I had to make sure we could do what they wanted to do the next day without going over hours...  We all seemed to have fun.  Other things that happen, the hot latino drop trow, to get a shirt... I tried not to look out of respect... tried...  Same one dropped his phone into a puddle on Bourbon St.. and proceeded to suck the water out...  I almost puked...  just like NYC the CDC strongly recommends not to even touch the streets in those towns...  (said phone got dropped in wine the next day and it still worked... amazing)  Not sure if he got the black plague though over the sucking the puddle water out.


But yeah there one or two of those college kids I was hoping would have daddy issues.. but thankfully none did.  Right at the end I was thinking one of them was suggesting a "date"  but then he turned his suggestion into it being a possible "group get together" dinner which would be fun as well.  I learned about this game Werewolf...  first game I was a Werewolf and the Werewolf's won.. the second game I was the "town slut" and we lost.. haha  I'm pretty sure I will transport this group next year, and I might be more involved in the planning so maybe we can get better hotels when they need them at the same price with hotels they we were getting that came with razor wire around the properties... 


Also that same group kinda went all out to make my birthday special...  They made me a bus buddy sign, got me a cupcake, then sang me happy birthday..  which since they were a singing group I demanded harmonies at the end.. haha..  Defiantly made the birthday better, as I was mostly stranded at a repair garage because I was having some issues with the bus, and lost out being able to see Charleston SC... Oh well... these kids were really special..  And I of course had withdrawal after the trip, as I was having just as much fun as them.  They even sent me a wesie (sic) which is a selfie with more then one person the next week saying they were out celebrating another ones birthday and they wished I was there..  I was very touched and really wish I was there... as I was with a Orthodox Teeny Catholic group (which was nice) but well..  It wasn't the other group!  :-)


Also for my birthday, I was able to get a new truck.  Still a least but its a double cab now, and a V6...  very spiffy.


Now as for the song of my mind.... hmm...  Just like last year a lot came around on my birthday.  Not as horrible as last year... But I heard "say something" on Sirius as I was trekking from New Orleans to Jacksonville FL.  Which of course I thought about Shawn the whole trip because he now lives in Florida. (have I told you I hate Florida before?)   And that song basically fits everything I feel about him.  Again that is a song I would have wrote, if I could write music.  Well at least the words.  Now just recently, I had a experience I thought about someone and then the phone rang..  well maybe me thinking about Shawn well driving through Florida (which I really really hate Florida BTW) But he ended up contacting me on my birthday.  Now even when we were closer the year before he ignored my birthday..  As I ignored his this year.  He was short and to the point.  I was a bit snarky...  Like one of my first responses was "do you have a girlfriend yet?"  He reply no on either...  He thanked me that it was me that helped give him the courage to leave the "hell house".  He has a few jobs and still going to school... which is very admirable.  And he has or is in a apartment.  Not if he is alone or with family/roomates..  Well overall plain and short I should be exteremly happy for him.  If you truly "love" someone even if you may never see each other again (as my irrational hatred of Florida made me snark-ly told him I hate Florida and even with my mom moving down there I will never purposely visit there.)  you should be happy if they are doing well.  He wants to be friends, I told him I will try, but if it becomes too painful on my side, I will let him know and cease contact.  Now I haven't heard anything more from him.  And well... I know in the past he usually feels I that I should start the next contact, as he did the last one.  Now even back when we broke up, I told him why I don't start the convos.  He broke up with me, and me starting contact either makes me look desperate, or a stalker.  Then again my snarkyness why would he want to talk to me.  But overall, since he is (again I think because I have painted a lot of different pictures in my mind of him, to try to explain the rejection and stories that don't really add up in my mind) very nice, good looking, and likes older guys, and well there are a lot more of the older guys that likes younger, then the younger ones with daddy wants...  or even if he finds a girl and has a family.  He will undoubtedly find people that want him in their life, at least in the sexual kind of love kind.  And well more and more I don't think I will find it for myself.  Guess we shall see.  But it is kinda funny, that he in fact did "say something..." But BTW do you how much I hate the state of Florida?  (Well there goes my Florida readers! haha)


Well, I have had a few interests...  One is young, cute enough, but his voice, and well maybe his breath are a big turn off.  Its one of those voices that cut through you.  And when we met, his hair was disheveled, and I really thought I got a shot of his breath across the table..  and well that never ends good...  Twice after meeting, we were suppose to hang out, and he just blew me off (not in the fun way), he still texts and calls... but I don't answer.


Also I met a 35 year old that I was really hoping and for a while thought would be a great match.  However...  he was the same age that Jamie would have been.  He reminded me of Jamie... which was one reason I thought maybe I shouldn't date him... Because he is not Jamie, and well that wouldn't be fair to him... He has had some tough times in his life that caused him to attempt his life a few times, and killed his Pancreas.  He was in constant pain.  This then made sense when one day his texts were completely, incoherent.  But we still met, and had dinner.  Again, if he wouldn't have a full beard, or chew snuff (what gay chews snuff??)  but even during getting that bite to eat it was like he zoned out, and life completely forgot things that we talked about, and then thought I said something about living with a handicap person.  Which I didn't, what was said was I showed him the house I grew up in, and he said he knew people that lived there with a person that was handicapped.  So I grew concerned if we would have dated, I would have had to deal with someone that might be now or will be addicted to pain killers.  And well I just got my shit straighten around, and as I said before, and I feel this way even more now. It should not be my role to fix some one's life.  I hope I don't act like someone that needs someone to fix their life, just because a lot of times I'm desperateish to meet someone.  But especially lately I've haven't had that side of the depression too much.  I'm doing well with myself...  After the first meeting, he wanted a hug and kiss... which I did one time, and well that scared someone away...  but with him, he got the hug, but I said no kissing because just one time that night he chewed snuff, and still from jr. high, every time I just smell or think about snuff I turn green.  But after that night I just kept thinking about it, and more and more I just felt it would be a unhealthy relationship.  Unfortunately about a week ago I heard on the scanner, ambulance and police called to his address, for a drug overdose...  and well he died.  The obit stated he died from a lengthily illness, and its possible his pancreas flared up and well he told me he almost died once from that..  or well..  it could have been a accidental OD, or well...  he might have been successful this attempt.  This is going to bother me a little bit.  Maybe this one I was suppose to save.  Other then the conversations that would kinda not make sense from time to time...  maybe I could have made a difference.  Or maybe I'm giving myself to much credit...  Not sure.  Sad either way.  He was a very kind soul from what I could tell, and he had some major losses in his life, like loosing someone he dated.  And well he wasn't picky either..  It seemed I was really his type, and I don't get that much, even though he was 35, I just wish he would have made better choices like not drinking his pancreas to be destroyed.


I'm thinking on going to my old counselor to talk about this..  The head shrink I see, doesn't seem to let me answer anything in depth enough for me to think she truly understands me...  and well maybe I do ramble as this blog is living proof of that.  So I just consider her a med manager...  But she doesn't understand how just this one med fixed me.  Esp when I was just on the low intro dose, all of the downs went away, and I didn't notice a difference when she increased it from 25mg to 200mg.  So time will tell.


I was able to see Pippin before my straight Broadway husband left the show.  Mathew James Thomas...  my gawd he was so hot being half naked and ripped.. haha.. The whole show was incredible.  The trip with my usual group... without my buddy Terri...  and well the show we were suppose to all see, which was Cabaret with Alan C which I was looking forward to see for free...  was canceled because Alan was sick.. Well when I got there I told the ushers that I could do the role!  I just did it 10 years ago...  Well they didn't but it, which was good cause I didn't do the role 10 years ago...  it was more like 18 years ago, and I was just Fritz the sailor...  and well the MC is half nude through the show and well...  no one wants to see me even half nude... haha.

Well I think I rambled enough... It think that is all that I wanted to document for the last month.


Best,
J