Song in my mind ~ And then there were none - Spring Awakening

You start to cave, you start to cry
You try to run, nowhere to hide
You want to crumble up, and close that door

Just xxxk it – right? Enough, that’s it
You’ll still go on – well, for a bit
Another day of utter shit
And then there were none…

Alot going on... sorta and not.... Where to start.

Ok well why am I in such a downer mood as of late. I was kinda doing well.... then I wasn't.... No letters from the Savage Isaiah, but this week got one.... I stopped texting / bothering Eric P... and well... he found someone.... who... well... I wouldn't date... haha.. That really sent me over the edge... why I don't know. We really had nothing. I probably made too much of a big deal of the few times we actually interacted. Still... to date he was the best "fag" that I ever wanted to date. I guess I always knew I never had a chance with him. Oh well.. Nothing I can do about that. I started talking to this other person I never really met, we were introduced through a mutual friend, it started off ok. But then it just seemed it was going to be one sided on alot of things. Its ending because he got pissed that I didn't tell him why I sent a very negative facebook "tweet", and well I didn't want to throw in his face that yeah we are talking, but the one that I really want, found someone else. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, by doing that... but then the other ending made the end come sooner then I thought, however again I thought I was getting into another "Tony" relationship... who I must say is straight again, and had the quickest engagement, marriage to divorce I have ever seen. (so my life could really be worse.. haha)

Once again the thing that is royally screwing with my mind that I am surrounded by alot of straight guys that are really nice to me, seem to respect me, and even a few that I have to take cold showers after any amount of time being around them.... Why is it I can have very productive and worthwhile friendships with "normal" guys, but the gays are all either catty, vain, mean, or flat out strange. Granted I fit some of those. I def have a few gay friends that would be great dating material, however mainly body type makes it to the point I'm not even looking for casual sex with them.

Why is it that the horrible ex's seem to be doing well.. and the one has a relationship that has lasted longer then most gay relationships. (even though, I can't imagine that it has been always monogamous.)

I really wish I wasn't gay. I'm so done. The only things I'm attracted to are mostly completely out of my league... so my attractions are by nature the definition of insanity. "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." But really thats the only problem in my life. So I need to get over it.

My problem is young gays mostly find older gays (and by no means I'm OLD yet... I'm a bit chubby yeah, but my face still looks really good for being 37) as trolls, and if the young ones will offer their ass they are only doing it to use the old farts. But in the straight world, the horny younger guys want the more experienced MILF's. Go figure. Again I grow tired of this bs.. and I need to get over it.

I got really "activist" over the 7+ gay suicides in America in the recent past. Even did a powerpoint on Oct 20th on why I was wearing purple, to show everyone in the one public speaking group I belong to. It might have been a bit in your face, but then I think back who I'm trying to fight for I wonder why I even care. I would have never mattered in any of those that took thier lives... and I think wow, you guys really screwed up... it would have gotten better.. they would have had lots of dates... You had it more then I ever had looks wise.... you should have stayed around....

My life in other ways will always be far superior to all the ones that have hurt and used me over the years. So why can't I be happy with that. Job is great, the new house is really nice. Even the cats and the horse are being good. I have beat them far and wide when it comes to the good things in life. Why can't that be enough. Why is a relationship the all and be all for what I think will finally make me happy. Which I really think it won't. Ok enough... I'm getting a headache.

On call is going well so far.... I'm looking forward to my "usual group to NYC" coming up November 19-20... going to see American Idiot on Friday for the third time... and on Saturday I have a ticket for the Adams Family.

I just need to stop being so mega emotional... I cry almost over anything these days... (as simple as a great signer on tv).... why... maybe I am finally losing it.... "maybe my last lucid moment has past"....

later,
J