It's gone...................

No one should ever have to go threw a week like I just did.

Starting on Monday, I learned that my cousin's wife, died suddenly, she was only 35 years old and they had 5 kids.

I had a rather long day on Tuesday and kinda passed out around 8pm on the couch, sometime later I went into the bedroom, and didn't set the alarm clocks. That didn't matter, I was woken up at 3:30 by my fire pager going off. And I recognized the address immediately. It was my office / the bus terminal complex. I haven't gotten rid of the upset stomach since. I got dress and quickly informed the company president, (I did remember to grab my company cell phone, I never do that…) all I remember then was passing a fellow fire fighter in no passing zone, passing the fire dept, (I was in no state to drive a firetruck) that my car has a governor, at some point that I won't state…. I almost thought I killed it…. And when I saw the glow before passing I-80 I called the terminal manger and in banshee bitch mode screaming, Its gone… its f***ing gone…. Rest of the trip there I don't remember…. I remember pulling up and getting yelled at by the police for me running up to unlock the doors so hopefully… since my part of the building wasn't involved yet, that maybe they could save the office side. Well.. it didn't turn out that way. I didn't really fight the fire, I was too "involved" to be able to do it safely, however I did stay with my station's engine to help with getting the water supply set up.

I knew I was watching my bus bank collection, my personal stuff, my professional stuff, and irreplaceable company history, just being raped from existence. I even remember that the display rack for three of my buses, that was given to be by the black hole of humanity…. just remembering that was one of the only positive things he gave me that I reflected on… just gone….. its gone…

The majority of that collection was given to me by a dear man named Fred. He was a ticket agent in Lock Haven that I had the pleasure of talking to him maybe ten or twenty times over sever years up to 2005, not a major amount, but the man liked me enough that he decided for about 4 years in the last years of his life to be "Santa Claus" and his last Christmas to me was in 2005, where he gave me four buses, and two of those cost between 150-200 dollars each. They were the prize of my collection in my new office in the new job of my new start. He died in the spring of 2006 but he was just an example of a genuine "nice" gentleman in the world of my life… Gone…

All of my work for the last year and 5 months… there's nothing left. All I was working on, all the paperwork I was responsible for…. Its all gone…. And the thought of knowing I have to restart EVERYTHING from the ground up, is just sometimes a overly overwhelming task to face…. But then I know that I have great resources at work, which was clear by noon of that day. We were completely moved into another location, and back up and running well at least for the line runs sake, but the TEAM we have here was working…

And then……

Thursday, we were still working out what we need to work out, and then I get word that Judd, my supervisor, who was in the hospital getting some surgery done, that he never really let on what it was about, died. Judd when I first met him, intimidated the hell out of me. The presence around that man was formable. You could tell that he was one that could not be bullshited, and it took a while for anyone to earn his respect. He was a pleasant man. However, you could just tell that you had to be straight with him, or he would see right through it if you didn't. I never had to worry about that. I just was so dedicated in earning this man's respect because as anyone that knows me, historically the ones that are straight shooters, and don't tolerate "bull shit" I really like. You always know where you stand in there eyes. Those types never back stab you. But like I said this man was a genuine man. A very good man, I knew that from the start, but like I said, he was formable, but a just, good and decent man. He was from the "Old School" however, me being gay was of no concern to him. By the excellent way he always treated me, I trust I did earn his respect, that will always mean a lot to me.

He was the former chief of the Clearfield Police, and was very well known, and very much respected and liked. That was even evident when the fire inspectors that was looking at the building.. they all knew Judd… And just when I was going to need him the most.

Well, there are lots of stuff that I won't include in this. As being at the fire in two professional ways, I just can't. I'm very upset and mad. That's all I will say. I turn into a royal ass every time that I have to shop and attempt to replace what I lost with inferior shit. People that know me, know that everything that I have I have for a reason, and it's the big thing that matters to be. I have to change now from one way that I have always did before, to something else. And I hate it. I'm mad.

Once example was a radio that I bought from radio shack way back in 1998. It was perfect, it was digital, it was compact. And now I had to replace it with something that is just not the same. It won't fit into the briefcase as good as the old one did… and the briefcase that I had to replace the old one with, doesn't fit into the buses as the old one did… and the old one wasn't that old, I just bought it in February. And it was because I needed a new one, and had it completely planned out. But I bought it over 200 miles away, so the replacement I had to break down and buy doesn't really fit me…. And I'm mad. Its just not fair.

Fair? Wow… I haven't uttered those words since 2005. And that was over TJ (Black hole) breaking up with me….. after all I did for that ingrate…. Even though my dating life is kinda non-existent however I have been talking to a very nice "Mike K" least I have a little distraction…. I really haven't uttered those words in a long time. Things will get better… The company needs me more now then ever, as I need them… I'm blessed to have a great "TEAM" …. So we prevail… I will prevail… And I just have yet another person to prevail for.

You will be missed Judd.

Even through all of this. I know I'm still blessed. I been threw hell before, and I always make it threw, and most of the time wiser. The people in this company are just amazing. I might not have everything, but for once in my life, I'm ok with what I got, knowing its not over yet… there's still more good to come, and that will help with the bad that creeps up every now and again.

j